Some guys aren’t exactly adept when it comes to the female orgasm. And that’s okay! We all have our weak points. But this weekend, I had a sexual experience that took things to a whole new level: I finished all my 10 free monthly New York Times articles before he could make me cum.
Think of it this way: Just because you don’t finish doesn’t mean the sex isn’t satisfying! I got a comprehensive understanding of the new G.O.P. tax plan while my coworker’s roommate, Rob, rubbed his sweaty body all over me. Not a total loss!
And it didn’t stop at the tax plan: I took a deep dive into the gun control debate, cried through two “Modern Love” columns and completed the Sunday crossword all before Rob could find my clit and just fucking stay there. Talk about productive! At about the point Rob flipped me over to continue fucking me, I was devouring a photo essay on mid-20th century Flushing, Queens.
While I usually like to spread my Times articles out throughout the month, I got so wrapped up in their award-winning journalism that I couldn’t stop. We all get caught up in the moment during sex sometimes!
Rob didn’t seem to notice I was staring unblinkingly at my iPhone, the glow of which surely illuminated my face in his pitch-dark bedroom. Maybe he thinks consuming Pulitzer Prize-winning media is how women achieve orgasm? Maybe he was so blinded by his sheer sexual incompetence that he didn’t notice? Unclear! Either way, I certainly learned exactly how many articles it takes for Rob to bring me to orgasm, and I’m a better person for it!
Of course, before I knew it, the bliss was over. I hit a paywall. Rob was still jackhammering away and asking, “Is that good” every 30 seconds, so I switched over to the New Yorker. Unfortunately, I’d already used up most of my freebies on that site reading the latest Shouts and Murmurs! Scrolling through Twitter led me to a Huffington Post parenting blog, at which point I decided to touch myself while reading “Shouts and Murmurs” and get it over with.
It was a very funny piece!
Of course, you always want what you don’t have. On the one hand, I wish I hadn’t used up all my NYT articles while Rob was inside of me. On the other hand, I emerged from Rob’s twin bed more informed on world news than I had entered! The point is, every sexual experience is different, and also if you get the opportunity, maybe don’t have sex with Rob. Just food for thought!
