I find it difficult to trust any man because throughout my life, men have disappointed me. From my father who left me to my college boyfriend who betrayed me to the barista at my neighborhood Starbucks who gives me a whole milk latte instead of nonfat, men have cheated me throughout my life. So no, I don’t trust any man… except for the one I just asked to watch my laptop for a quick sec while I pee.
My father walked out on my mother and I when I was three years old, robbing me of a male role model in my life. Lucky for me, my mother taught me how to lead an independent lifestyle and to never need a man for anything. Except to keep an eye my expensive MacBook Pro that has a spreadsheet of my bank account passwords right on the desktop.
Do you see what I mean? You can’t expect men to take care of anything for you long term. But short term, like 5-10 minutes at a coffee shop, is probably fine.
My perseverance and independence led me to thrive in college, where I met my then-boyfriend Damien. I thought Damien was everything I could ever want in a man: handsome, kind, and intelligent. But after months of dating, what does he do? Publish my deepest secrets and desires online and ruin my reputation! Well, I’ve learned my lesson. I don’t trust men with anything because you can’t count on them to do the right thing, even when you think they’re the love of your life. Luckily, there’s one good man left in the world, and it’s absolute stranger I just asked to be in charge of my laptop while I might try to take a dump. It’s only a device that contains everything I need, from the addresses of every known relative to the folder of nudes I took for that asshole Damien! Would I let him touch this computer? No! But this guy over there seems fine.
It’s a lesson I’ve learned a thousand times: don’t trust men! You can do anything on your own. Look at me: I graduated from an Ivy League university and now am working in a high-profile government job that entrusts me with classified data, all of which I keep handily on my person computer that I’ve just left in the hands of a complete stranger, whom I trust completely.
Do not put your faith into any one man, unless he’s sitting within a few feet of you at a coffee shop.
Look, ladies: Men will walk out on you when you need them the most and will steal your most prized possession—your heart. Although when it comes to material possessions— like your laptop and briefcase that contains your phone, car keys, and passport—they’ll guard it with their life. I hope. Because I have been in the bathroom for sixteen minutes and have absolutely no game plan about what to do if I get back to my table and my laptop is missing.
