With age, your strength and flexibility decline. To avoid this, many young people have now taken to exercise to ensure they stay fit throughout their lives. Last week, a close friend told me she works out because she wants to be able to hold her grandkids one day, and while the sentiment is heartwarming, this could not be further from the case for me. I don’t give a shit about holding my grandchildren. I work out so I can dunk on them.
My lifelong dream of being able to one day dunk on my grandchildren started the day my other dream, playing in the WNBA, ended. When I wasn’t selected for my ninth-grade junior varsity basketball team, I knew my hopes of getting drafted were basically shot to fuck. I had to pivot, to find another reason for living.
That’s when it hit me: If I couldn’t dunk on basketball superstar and 2002 first overall WNBA draft pick Sue Bird, I would just have to dunk on some stupid fucking babies.
Now, I do specific exercises every day to ensure I can absolutely crush the kin of my kin in a 1-v-1 tournament in 2085. I start my workouts with some quick weighted tricep curls, which will come in handy when I inevitably pull a windmill or similar complicated move during the dunking process.
The most underrated yet crucial part of the dunk is the approach. To ensure I can euro step the fuck out of my grandkids, I do several sets of mountain climbers and lateral jumps. I hope to be able to break their ankles without so much as spraining my own. It’s also important to maintain calf flexibility in order to get some big air, so I do a set of calf raises, then 17 more sets of calf raises. Those idiots will be crying to their parents (my future children) in no time.
Lastly, if I’m going to pull a 1988 Michael Jordan-esque reverse 180 dunk on a preteen, I’ll need all the bone density I can get. I make sure my healthy diet matches my rigorous exercise routine, because I would hate to fracture a bone on the way down from an absolutely mind-blowing one-handed eyes-closed dunk.
With any luck, after I follow this rigorous regime, those nine- to 13-year-olds aren’t going to know what the fuck hit them. I will certainly catch a body, but it will not be my own.
