I Can’t Tell When People Are Flirting With Me or When They’re An Army of the Undead

I’m really oblivious when it comes to flirting. I wouldn’t be sure what they wanted, even if they asked for my phone number, or touched my knee, or if hundreds of them marched directly toward me. Seriously, I’m so bad at reading signs, I don’t know who’s flirting with me or who’s just another army of the undead trying to make me one of their own!


Generally I’m pretty savvy at reading body language, but I just can’t be 100% sure when it comes to flirting! For example, is it flirting if someone giggles at my jokes, or if there are thousands of them and they’re all stumbling through the snow toward my kingdom? That seems like flirting to me, but then again it’s hard to tell since none of them are smiling as they step forward in unison, swords drawn and snarling. Is that more of a just being friendly undead thing?


Hm. They’re totally moving toward me though, and that kind of throws me off.



The thing is, nothing sucks more than someone misreading my kindness for sexual interest. That’s why I’m hesitant to make assumptions even when the signs seems obvious, like when they’re texting me just to say hi, or making a lot of eye contact, or screaming into the winter winds, or murdering entire villages to create new soldiers from the slain bodies. Like, they could be doing all that to show off for me, or that could just be their personality. It’s hard to tell!


Apparently it’s not just hard for me, though: Studies show people only accurately detect flirting 28% of the time. That’s because interpreting someone else’s intentions can be difficult, especially when there’s a bunch of reasons they could be building an army of centuries-old creatures with the sole intent of building their undead army. Maybe they want to ask me out with an elaborate flash dance mob, or maybe they’re trying to save their civilization of humanoid ice monsters by reanimating the dead. Who can say for sure? Not me!


The point is: You can’t know for sure what someone wants if you don’t ask.


I had to learn that the hard way. On a recent walk through the forest, I stumbled upon a terrifying white corpse trudging toward me. At first I thought, “Oh my God, he’s going to harass me until I give him my number!” but then quickly realized I misread the situation. He actually swung a sword at me and tried to rip me to shreds.


I felt so silly and self-involved! Now I never jump to conclusions about what someone wants. I’m going to try to be better about picking up on the signs – if they’re growling and limping, they probably want to kill me, and if they’re making little kissy noises with their mouth, they might be about to ask me out. But it’s hard to tell the difference!