I Believe Women, Unless They’re Talking About Me

It has only been a couple of weeks, but 2018 is already shaping up to be the Year of Women. The #metoo movement of 2017 paved the way for so many women to finally come forward and publicly name their sexual abusers, and we’ve already started the new year with the Time’s Up initiative in Hollywood. I’m excited by this new era of accountability and I’m proud to say that I, a man, believe women when they share their stories with the public. Unless, of course, they’re talking about me.


Those women’s stories are just not accurate and should not be believed.


As a man, I’ve come to realize just how important it is to stand back and really listen to women. We have so much to learn from them! Especially when women take the brave first steps of coming forward – they deserve our wholehearted support and respect. But not if the women are talking about me or something I did. In that case you should not listen to them. You can respect them but definitely don’t believe what they say about me because it’s wrong.



The truth is, women have nothing to gain by coming forward with allegations of assault and misconduct. They don’t get money, fame or jobs. In fact, it can make it harder for women to get jobs after coming forward, as potential employers may begin to see them as a liability. This is why it’s so unlikely that women are lying about abuse! Except if they’re saying that I did something kind of fucked up in which case they are definitely trying to get money and fame and jobs. You see, I believe women, but those women are wrong.


They say only 3% of sexual assault allegations are misreported each year. That’s a really low number, and yet all the women who have ever spoken out against me just happen to fall into that category. So weird, right? Especially when I’m such a strong, ardent, supporter of women! I believe all women, but not every woman. There’s a difference! Because all women are telling the truth, but not every woman is talking about me. And the ones who are? They’re liars! Does that make sense?


You see, “I believe women,” is really more of a sentiment than a fact, which is why you see so many men willing to say it out loud all the time.


I’m always out there talking about how much I love and respect women, reminding people that I listen to women and telling women what an incredible ally I am. I’m one of the best allies I know. I guess sometimes women do lie – like when they say they don’t want to have sex me. Those women are also lying! I mean, look at me!