‘I Actually Can’t Whistle,’ Says Woman Who Also Can’t Do So Many More Important Things

As she prepares to enter adulthood, 22-year-old college senior Elliot Thompson has reported that she actually can’t whistle ­­– though, in fairness, she also can’t do so many other vital things.


“I was listening to the radio with my best friends and Harry Styles’ ‘Canyon Moon’ came on the radio,” Elliot says. “There’s this really fun whistling part in the chorus, so I put my lips together to whistle and nothing came out. It was so humiliating. I mean what 22-year-old doesn’t know how to whistle?”


Sources closest to Elliot report that she also cannot swim, braid her hair, pay taxes, cook, or ride a bike.


“It’s embarrassing, really,” says Elliot. “The other day my little sister was driving me to the mall because I never got my license, and that one part in Flo Rida’s ‘Whistle’ came on. I had to do a high pitch squeal to cover up for my inadequacy. I think she bought it, but it was a close one.”


Elliot’s 16-year-old sister Amy, however, remembers the incident differently.


“The real issue here is that I’m driving the person who used to be in charge when our parents went out to the mall,” says Amy. “Learn how to drive! But also, I did clock the whistling thing and yes it was bad.”


What once started out as a rebellion against the patriarchy and capitalism is now slowly ruining her life.



“In our modern society, your value is determined by what you can do and how much you can produce. I thought that if I was completely useless and did not participate in the economy I could live an ethical lifestyle,” explains Elliot. “But since my parents cut me off out of nowhere now I have to actually take charge of my own life. It’s a nightmare.”


Reports indicate that Elliot used the money her parents sent her for last month’s rent on whistling lessons.


“I can’t stand the shame anymore,” she says. I know that if I can just learn how to whistle, everything else in my life will fall into place.”