In a still-developing story out of Indianapolis, 32-year-old Amelia Fitzpatrick is considering the purchase of a $90 teeth-whitening system as she continues her lifelong practice of not flossing.
“I’m an adult, and I think if I want to make some positive changes now is the time,” says Amelia, whose dentist has been begging to floss for two-plus decades. “That’s why I think I should drop 90 bucks on one of those teeth-whitening sets that come with the trays and the pens and maybe even one of those blue lights, whatever that does.”
While Amelia has struggled to invest in herself in the past, she now feels ready to make the effort.
“I have to confess, I’ve always been a bit self-conscious about my teeth,” says Amelia, whose teeth are mostly fine besides the plaque and particle buildup on the parts of them that could only be accessed by the simple act of flossing. “But then I randomly got an Instagram ad for this teeth-whitening monthly delivery subscription, and was like, this is a sign from God.”
Sources close to Amelia report she had been Googling and wondering aloud about tooth whitening earlier that day.
“She just needs to floss,” says Dr. Elham Chehade, Amelia’s dentist. “Most of these teeth-whitening approaches are bad for your enamel, and she doesn’t need another problem to add to her rapidly deteriorating gums. Just fucking floss, people.”
“I apologize for my language,” Dr. Chehade adds. “But really, floss. It takes 30 seconds. Also, I’m a pediatric dentist so Amelia should really stop booking appointments with me anyway.”
But Amelia is undeterred by this feedback.
“No one flosses!” she says. “That’s just unrealistic, and unrealistic goals only set you up for disappointment. That’s why I’m going to get this Instagram ad tooth whitener, stick with it, and have daytime-talk-show-level white teeth.”
”Plus,” Amelia adds, “If I’m going to have receding, disease-riddled gums, I may as well have bright white, almost iridescent teeth to distract from them.”
We can’t argue with that!
