How to Write Emails So No One Can Tell You Have Debilitating Depression

This year, quarantine and seasonal depression are affecting large swaths of the population. While working from home helps with being able to pass as a happy person, there are still massive amounts of emailing we must do, even though we may not be mentally well. Here’s how to write your emails so you pass as a relatively happy person, or at least, a person who’s staying afloat.


Create an auto-response with an emoji that’s the opposite of depression.

The biggest giveaway for a depressed person working from home is an egregiously late reply. While it can be near impossible to respond to emails in this state, set an auto-respond email with a smiley or a winky face to let everyone know that you’re doing great and will get back to them any minute now! That way, no one will be able to tell you haven’t had anything but Reese’s Puffs for the last two days because no one who does that is able to reply to an email that quickly. Go you!


Copy/Paste old email responses from when you weren’t a shell of a human being.

To ensure that no one knows the extent to which you feel dead and hollow inside, it is important to stay consistent with your emails of the past. Just find your five happiest email responses from like, 2015 and paste them in as needed. No one will likely notice you are sending the same thing over and over again, as long as you make sure to change any relevant emails. Now that you’ve streamlined that part of email replies, you can become one with your sectional sofa and nothing will get in between that.



Use formal language to mask any despair in your tone.

Sometimes, the despair becomes so heavy that it feels like it oozes out into every sentence you write. When this situation arises, rely on formal language and embellishments to mask any dread in your email. A quick “Best Wishes,” or “I hope you are doing well,” will have people convinced they are corresponding with someone who has definitely showered that day. And what fools they will be!

Use these tips to get through the workday without any prying questions or concerns that you can’t explain away. Also, maybe shoot an email to a therapist.