Listen, gals, the idea of “soul sisters” is a myth. But with a little elbow grease, you can easily fabricate a platonic love affair with any one of the 3.5 billion women out there. Below are tried-and-true ways to turn even the mildest acquaintance into the everlasting female friendship of your dreams.
Tag Along With a Group, Even If You Don’t Know Them Yet
Once you’re outside, you’ll quickly see that women are literally everywhere. Once you’ve spotted a woman, or a group of them (how lucky!), start walking until you’re keeping pace with them. At this point, all you have to do is engage. Empathetically offer, “I’m so sorry to hear about that thing,” or, “Can you believe she did that?” This will get her talking, and once you start talking to a woman, she’s your sister. That’s just the facts!
Do Hobbies
Got a hobby? Doesn’t matter; now you do! Spinning? Sounds good. Making pottery? What a blast. Slowly pouring water from one cup to another? Clear my fucking schedule! The great thing about us girls is that no matter what we’re doing, we could usually go for a little validation from someone else that we are, in fact, doing it. Like, we are real and exist. You feel me! Get yourself to the nearest gym/loom/cup store ASAP. Spot a gal, give her a look that says, “I see you doing the thing you want to be seen doing,” and boom—you got a sister for life!
Go to the Bathroom
A woman’s bathroom is a complex web of social and lipstick politics, deliciously ripe for sister-making. For this one, you should probably be in a restaurant, coffee shop, or other public place where women sometimes go. (Unless you have a bathroom in your home, and there happens to be a woman in there, in which case, you can definitely make her your sister—she’s already your roommate!) Whether you’re on the toilet or at the sink, the opportunities are endless for showing any women in the vicinity just how far you’re willing to go for them. Accidently let out a toot, and the woman in Stall #2 is now liberated to take the bowel movement she was shyly holding in. She’s yours for life! Compliment Woman-at-Sink’s hair and she won’t know if you’re being honest or trying to assert power; either way, she needs you around. Hello sister, my sister for life!!
Text Random Numbers
Lots of women have phones, so it’s just a matter of texting a phone that is in the hands of a woman. To ensure this, only enter combinations of feminine numbers, such as 3s, 6s, 8s, and 9s. These are good numbers because they are soft and round, so you’re almost guaranteed to reach a woman. You can start off easy with a simple, “hey girl!!!” or go whole hog with a classic, “I’m thinking about getting an IUD. Thoughts?” It literally doesn’t matter. Women love being greeted and giving their anecdotes about long-term birth control, so the fact that you reached out to her specifically is enough to spark a friendship for the ages!
Say goodbye to basic friendships and eternal loneliness, ladies. Long-lasting, unconditional relationships are right outside your doorstep. Remember, sister-women are just like you—desperate and looking to hear themselves talk, so get out there, grab one, and strap in for the most maybe-fulfilling ride of your life!
