In an ideal world, you’d eat some kind of nutrition bar, lightly rub your flat abs, and say, “I’m so satisfied!” But sometimes you overindulge in decadent, unhealthy, and delicious foods because they taste good and you like them. How can you do this publicly without looking like your inner fat kid got out? Convince your friends you are a foodie. If you convince your friends that you’re a foodie, suddenly your second dinner of an entire bag of Popcorners will seem super posh! Here’s how to make the transition:
Instagram the shit out of all seven of your daily meals.
Foodies are always sharing their newest culinary creations on Instagram. Be the envy of all your followers by styling your dinner of Easy Cheese and Ritz Crackers on a rustic mahogany cutting board. In your caption, mention that your particular can of Easy Cheese was locally sourced from the bodega on your block. Add some micro-greens—some deep-fried mizuna that you bought at the fancier bodega—for color and texture.
Use your new foodie vocab around the office.
It’s simple to sprinkle foodie vocab into your everyday conversations at the office to convince your coworkers of your passion for haute cuisine. For example, ask your boss, “Are the break room butter packets grass-fed?” Or try: “Yesterday’s lunch meeting could have been a little more farm-to-table, don’t you think?”
Take a texting tip from the pros.
After a wild night out, you might be tempted to text your best friend something like: “I got so drunk on Long Islands last night, I ate two large fries and then passed out with ketchup on my face.” Instead, consider this sentence that every foodie uses on the reg: “Last night, after imbibing a carefully curated cocktail made by my favorite mixologist, I realized that I hadn’t experienced enough flavor profiles this week, so I just had to seek out an unctuous snack.” You already sound like you’re better than her!
Convince God.
Since gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, you’re definitely going to want to convince God or any other personal deity of your commitment to foodie culture. Simply pretend your hand-rolled vegan donut is a halo as you approach the pearly gates. And make sure you tell your heavenly father that you loved receiving the Eucharist because “the red wine always went so well with that wafer. Were you the sommelier for that pairing?”
