We know a trip to the doctor can cause anxiety, but we all know it’s best to come prepared with the issues that have plagued you. So what if you’re perfectly healthy? You’re not paying that egghead quack by the hour, so you’ll be losing money if you don’t bring up these nine totally imaginary red flags to tell your doctor about because maybe you saw a 20/20 story about them one time:
1. I found two small, red, symmetrical lumps on my breasts. What does this mean?
I frequently feel my breasts for lumps knowing what a serious threat breast cancer is. I recently found two nipples. How many MRIs do I need?
2. Is six to eight hours of sleep enough? Too much? Should I divide it into two-hour chunks, like Mozart?
I sleep an uninterrupted 6-8 hours nightly and wake up feeling refreshed. Am I depressed? Mono? Meningitis?
4. I’ve been reading a lot of Victorian literature. Am I having a fit of the vapours, or is this just gas?
I can’t tell if I’m bloated or if I’m having a fit of the vapours. Please have a full blood test done and get smelling salts ready.
5. When I exercise I get very out of breath. When do I call a paramedic?
When I exert myself on the treadmill at the gym, I will suddenly find myself sweating and out of breath. Frequently I will need to stop running to regain composure. At what point do I start freaking out, yelling at everyone and call 911?
6. I was immunized as a kid. Am I autistic?
I’m not entirely sure what “autism” is, but I know that I have an up-to-date immunization record. Is this fatal, or can I blame my parents back into health?
7. My toes are ugly. Cancer?
I’ve never felt good about my toes. I always thought they were much to big for my foot, but it never occurred to me that this could be a health risk. How many toes do you need to live?
8. I know you’re a dentist, but does this mole look weird to you?
I floss everyday, so I’m actually not worried about my teeth, but can you look at this mole? Why not? What am I paying you for?
9. What’s that thing Nicole Kidman had in Moulin Rouge? Do I have it?
You know that disease where you’re really pretty and then you just start coughing blood? Do I have that? No? How can I get it?