So your good friend Katie suddenly has a new boyfriend, someone you did not choose and do not want in your life. Of course you want her to be happy, but how can she possibly be happy spending so much less time with you and more time with someone so not-you? This intruder is clearly attempting to take her away and you’re the only thing that can save her! Here are the quickest ways to mark your territory and scare that man back into the manhole from whence he came:
Stare at his dick a lot.
Actively stare at his junk, like, all the time. Stare at it as if to let it know that it is not safe here. Men think with their penises, so without it he wouldn’t be able to think at all. That will scare him. He will leave. Now you and Katie can dedicate this afternoon to a shopping party!!!
Do. Not. Acknowledge.
Never greet him, as that is a sign of weakness. If you must use his name, only refer to him with aggressive nicknames like “Bucko” and “Shitferbrains” in order to assert your dominance. Never back down, because remember, this is a very important act of feminism! Now go get some hummus—it’s girls’ night!
Steal his number from Katie’s phone and text him pictures of dead stuff.
Hopefully you don’t already have that on your phone, but this moment is what the internet was created for! Send him gross pictures of roadkill, time-lapse gifs of fruit rotting, and basically anything involving maggots so he understands that he’s ruining your life by taking the foundation upon which it is built and setting it aflame! After this trick, you’ll have way more QT with KT!! Yay!
Scream.
Scream at him until he gets the clue and removes himself permanently from Katie’s life. Not words, just one long, mono-pitch scream right to the face. Never break eye contact, except to stare at his junk some more, and maybe throw a scream down there too. Even if this tactic doesn’t work, Katie should obviously see his fearlessness in the face of such horrific behavior as a red flag. Then you guys can go for a ROAD TRIP!!!
Threaten to take his life.
Under the auspices of needing him to help you carry something, silently lead him to the roof. No no; he’s doesn’t get to ask questions. He’ll find out where you’re going when you get there. Have him stand still while you circle him like a very intimidating shark. Leave it silent for a while until you ask him how good he is at staying alive. As he gives you his lame, friendship-destroying answer, quietly whisper about the others…the ones before him… Then hurry back downstairs because the commercial break is probs over and you need that sweet GOT action!!! #TeamKhaleesi
Actually take his life.
This one is like a lot of effort, but the results are guaranteed! Simply get yourself possessed by a real demon, eat his brain out of his brunch-killing, girl-talk slaughtering, snack-share destroying head, and murder him so much!!!!!!!! Then take a step back, look at what you’ve done, and wonder if you’ve gone a little overboard. Then call Katie, cuz it’s Froyo Friday!!!
So next time you need to be sure that Katie doesn’t enjoy happiness unless it revolves around you, follow these steps. Who knows, maybe you’ll have to kill her too so you can be together forever!!!! Hos before bros! #BFFs forever!!!!!
