How to Tell the Davids in Your Life Apart

Did you know that five out of every six men is named David? And approximately six out of six Davids are brunette and around 5’10”? If you’re anything like us, it can be hard to keep all of the Davids in your life straight! Here’s a quick guide to not embarrassing yourself next time you know you’re around a David, but you’re not sure which.


Take note of his location.

Is he at work? Then he’s probably the David from your office. This David loves making jokes about the weather, watching the Giants play every week, and his last name might be Cohen. Is he at your bar? Then he’s probably your bartender Dave. Is he’s handing you your prescription, that is your pharmacist, David Duyssen. Nailing down your surroundings is your first clue when it comes to IDing that David.


Wait, but there’s two Davids at your office.

Don’t panic: Most offices do have two Davids! Try and convince both of them to get a visible tattoo that represents something they like. Then you’ll immediately know if it’s Giants David or David who loves to tell you about TED Talks. If one of them is married, try to make a note of that, but let’s be honest: It’ll be nearly impossible to remember which one is married since they both seem married.



See if he passes a round orange ball to you during a game.

This is a telltale sign that this is the David who’s on your adult evening recreational basketball team. This David is fun and loves to do shots of tequila after games! You made out with him once, but he doesn’t remember so don’t bring it up. Oh wait, maybe that was another David?


Ugh, you forgot about David in HR and David who works on the company website.

You can always expect to find more Davids around your office. Only compliment each David when they wear a certain color shirt around the office. Then hopefully they will start only wearing that color. Then when David wearing red walks up, you’ll know it’s time to talk about your new quinoa recipe! This David is gluten intolerant.



Figure out if you’re dating him.

If you’re sitting across from him at a candlelit dinner sharing a bottle of Merlot, then he’s probably your boyfriend David. A great way to set him apart from the rest is to give him a cute nickname like “honey” or “sugarbuns”. He’ll be the angriest when you confuse him for another David, so just to be safe, shave off a small chunk of his hair in the middle of the night, in the back where he won’t notice. If he does not have this missing chunk, this is probably your husband David.


Check to see if he looks like he’s investigating aliens.

If he is and you’re watching The X-Files, that’s David Duchovny! He’s cute!


They literally just hired a new person to work in sales, and his name is David.

Do not worry, you are prepared for this. Tell this David you’re calling him Fernando and he just has to deal with it. Try to make it a joke. He’ll assume that’s a normal on-boarding process for your office.


Just say, “Hi, David” when you see a David.

When all else fails, at least you know his name is David. Don’t specify anything more in conversation. OMG, wait, is David in accounting actually a Mike? No, no that’s Mike we’re thinking of.


Phew, it can be tiresome to figure out who’s who with all the Davids floating around, but they’ll sure appreciate not being confused with another David! And for goodness’ sake, don’t name your son David!