As a feminist, you know you aren’t supposed to be tearing other women down, but it can be hard to not compare yourself to the women around you when they’re all you can think about, day in and day out. Whether they’re presenting ideas in a meeting or wearing corduroy pants or telling a barista their name is “Dawn,” don’t they know it makes you feel all hot and prickly inside? Society forces women to compete for opportunities and attention, and you don’t want to give in to that toxic culture! You want to support other women, listen to them, talk to them, and stroke their soft, shiny hair. Here’s how to stop seeing other women as your enemies and start seeing them as your dates:
Learn to accept yourself.
For many women, internalized misogyny is at the root of their issue. We project our own insecurities onto others because we haven’t accepted our own flaws and faults. Look within to see if that’s the case for you. And while you’re looking within, check for any lingering internalized homophobia or biphobia. Have you been slotting women into the “enemy” column ever since puberty, when you noticed that while men often perceive you, women peer right into your very soul with a knowing and patient gaze that can lull you into a trance if you’re not careful? Is the reason you’re so scared to be vulnerable with other women that you’re afraid of just how close you might get? Do you not hate women at all, you love them so much? Learn to accept this, too!
Find some women.
Once you’ve realized that women are incredible creatures you want to be near always, identify the women who, in the past, got under your skin the most. Now that you recognize that irritation for what it is — attraction — you’ll be in a much better headspace to not only stop competing with them but start asking them out on dates. Whenever you catch yourself thinking, “This woman is so beautiful and cool, I must destroy her,” take a moment to re-train your brain, telling yourself, “that woman is so beautiful and cool, I must seduce her.” Repeat this process for as long as it takes until you find yourself not only bonding with but actually flirting with your former adversary, connecting on a deep, almost spiritual level. The heat of your former anger toward her has become a burning hot passion for her mind, body, and soul. Way better!
Date a woman.
As you date more women, you will come to embrace the presence of females in your life. Where you once saw competition, you now see possibilities for friendship and even more dates with kissing and touching and all the other things you quickly Googled last night and can’t wait to try. The only issue you might encounter is that now that you are dating women who date women, you will have to compete with the other women who date women for the women you want. There is, unfortunately, no known method to get out of this cycle of competition except to marry a woman, except even that institution is patriarchal so there’s still inherent competition to make sure you’re the best lesbian wife. Ah, well! At least you’re having sex with a goddess. How could you ever think she was your foe?
You used to be kind of a bitch. Now you’re super gay. The transformation is complete, and it is glorious. Go enjoy your life as a sapphic. We don’t know why more people don’t do this!
