Everyone wants to feel like they’re the main character in their own personal narrative, but what about those times when you say or do something that’s just super basic? Here’s how to still feel like you’re the protagonist of your life when you’re asking the barista at your local coffee shop if they have oat milk available.
Let your clothes speak for you.
Before you even open your mouth to ask something so boring, let your clothes speak for you. You can maybe try wearing a funky shirt with a carton of oat milk on it to suggest that’s what you’re looking for, but if that’s not really your style, just wear something extremely eye-catching and/or difficult to move around in. That way, when you ask about your café’s oat milk situation, it’ll just be a small lull in the intense main character vibes that you’re already putting out.
Comment on the song that’s playing.
Say something about the song that’s currently playing inside, even if you actually have no opinion on it whatsoever. Just make sure you say it either immediately before or after you ask the oat milk question in order to distract from the fact that you just asked that. Ideally you should say something like, “Wow, I remember listening to this when my mother told me that she was proud of me for the first time. Hey, by the way, do you have oat milk here?” They won’t even care that you just asked about oat milk after you gave such a mysterious reveal of your strained mother-daughter relationship.
Stare out the window~
When in doubt, look out the window. You can literally stare at anything outside, just as long as you look kind of depressed, and also really pretty. If you want to take it up a notch, you can also shed a single tear and then elegantly wipe it away, or just start monologuing! Hello, A24!
Smoke a cigarette indoors.
If you forget to do any of the above steps, smoking a cigarette inside after you order is a great way to reassert your main character status. No one can say anything to you after you light up directly beneath the fire alarm, partly because they probably won’t be able to speak up over the sound of the alarm, but also because you’re being such a main character right now.
So if you’ve ever been worried about maintaining your main character status when asking something so boring, embarrassing, and sheep-like, look no further. Despite popular belief, you can still be the main character when asking your barista if they have oat milk. Almond milk on the other hand… it’s giving supporting role.
