You’re the manic pixie dream girl of every sad boy’s fantasy: Flighty, whimsical, romantic. You’re a free spirit! But, ugh, your roommate just Venmoed you for utilities and now people are going to know you actually pay your bills on time — which is neither mysterious nor sexy. How do you recover from being publicly Venmoed when you are trying to establish yourself as someone who is too busy daydreaming about moving into an Airstream to text anyone back?
Crack your phone screen!
If your phone isn’t cracked already, smash it now. You’re just a skittish forest creature who doesn’t know how to maintain functioning technology or appearances! If anyone asks, say you cracked it when it fell out of your Fjallraven Kanken backpack as you were riding a motorcycle barefoot on the way to Mexico for a random Wednesday afternoon.
Comment “haha what is this???” on the transaction.
You can’t let people know you know about money — so it’s time to forcefully remind everyone that you’re fun and unpredictable. It took you forever to build your personality around “loving the rain,” so you can’t let the revelation that you actually pay your bills on time ruin this facade. Just leave a comment on the transaction to make it look like this was some weird mistake you made while on mushrooms in the desert, then post a hot, sad photo on Instagram before people start thinking too hard about it.
Ignore all of your texts!
This embarrassing Venmo blip is NOT consistent with your whole deal. Imagine what would happen to your potential suitors knew you could do math in your head? In this case, initiate conversations and ignore the responses for 3-5 business days. You really want to make it clear that you are super busy going through a thing, or knitting yourself a crop top or wandering around a cornfield somewhere that you can’t follow through with plans and DEFINITELY don’t know what Venmo is.
Look, you’re a manic pixie dream girl, and you need to stay that way. How are men supposed to take care of you if you don’t seem like a walking train wreck? Save yourself the embarrassment of coming off as a fully functional adult human woman and divert attention away from your public Venmo as soon as possible.
