Every relationship could benefit from shaking things up in between the sheets. Whether you just started dating or are in it for the long haul, things can easily get dull—that is, until your alarmingly sharp, exceptionally long toenail enters the mix. Here are some spicy tips that’ll leave him utterly speechless and superficially injured.
Of course, great foreplay begins before you even reach the bedroom. Build up to the big event by shooting him spicy texts throughout the workday. Once you’re off the clock, take your sweet time getting home, making sure to skip that post-work pedicure (not that you ever get those). If you’re really down to play the long game, start abstaining from basic foot grooming weeks in advance. As everyday wear takes its toll, that one toenail that always grows faster than the rest will gradually become whittled into an irregular and dangerous shiv-like shape, ready for action by sexy time. Oof!
Take it off.
Now you’ve arrived at the main event, set the scene with a little striptease before you hop in the sack. Sensually slip off each item of clothing one by one, moving from head to toe. Make sure to really focus on snagging a sock on your weirdly long and sharp toenail, unsheathing your secret weapon.
Explore sensory play.
See what makes him tick. Start by gently blowing on his erogenous zones or caressing him with a feather. Escalate to more intense sensations like love bites or hot wax. Then, just as you both really begin exploring each other’s bodies and things are heating up, suddenly claw your raptor-like foot-talon across his calf. Before you know it he’ll be crying out , “Ow! Holy fuck! What was that? Fuck. Ow! Was that…your toenail?” Woopsy!
Don’t forget to communicate.
As your romp escalates, it’s important to periodically check in and be receptive of each other’s experience. For instance, your partner might express, “Oh shit, I think I’m bleeding? Woah. I can’t believe that was your toenail?” To which you can sheepishly say “sorry” or deny it vehemently.
Switch up positions.
Time to change course! Crack open your Kama Sutra and try out some steamy new positions. As you transition through each passionate pose continue to clumsily cover his body in tiny lacerations like some sort of Edward-scissor-footed freak who destroys everything they love.
Basking in each other’s post-coital bliss is super bond-building and especially important after more rough kinds of play. Take this moment to take each other in or, alternatively, run to the medicine cabinet for a few Band-aids and some Neosporin to tend to his many toe-nail-induced wounds. Don’t be afraid to get vulnerable during this time. Have a cuddle, whisper sweet nothings, and watch your lover’s life flash before his eyes as you initiate a high stakes game of footsie.
So go ahead, girl! Take these tips and remind him that not only are you a firecracker in the sack, but that this little piggy’s got a knife and is NOT to be fucked with.