How to Sneeze Your Way to Orgasm This Spring

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Spring is here! The birds, the bees, the flowers, the pollen, and the dust are coming to life. While these springtime allergies can keep you violently sneezing nonstop like a maniac, there is actually a lifehack known only among the enlightened: The force of your incessant sneezing can actually be channeled to make you cum really hard. Here’s how you can sneeze your way to orgasm this spring!


Skip the Claritin.

This should go without saying! Normally, you’d keep your box of antihistamines on-hand at all times, but if you want to get off from your eruptive sneezes, all that explosive, energetic build-up in your sinuses is a good thing, and you want to maximize it. So put down the Claritin, and crank up the motor in your sinuses au naturale, and let your uncontrollably snotty little sneezes carry you over the edge to bliss.


Try tantric (mouth-)breathing exercises.

Sure, your nose is stuffed, and you are sadly not. But fear not, as you can still get off as violently as your compulsive sneezes! Just do some tantric breathing exercises to get in touch with your body. Since your nose is fully clogged, just breathe through your dry, chapped little mouth. Bring that pollen-rich air deep into your gut, hold it, channel it to your pelvis, and let three fast, mucusy sneezes edge you into the next dimension.



Incorporate the kegel.

We call this move the sneeze-squeeze. While the relationship between sneezing, springtime, pelvic-floor strength, and orgasm intensity is one scientists are still trying to understand, just take it from us: If you’re serious about sneeze-cumming this spring, you need to be doing kegels every time you sneeze. Like, every single time. Sure, the explosive, spasmodic, all-body shakes of your sneezes can get you close to orgasm already, but the synchronized kegel is the cherry-on-top that’s going to get you over the edge. God bless you, indeed!


Remember, your springtime sneezes are not only your body’s reactions to pollen irritating your respiratory system. It’s also your body’s way of telling you it’s got some ridonkulous orgasms latent in you just waiting to see the light of day. So embrace the beauty of all of God’s creation buzzing to life this spring, and get sneeze-squeezing! Happy springtime!