The time comes in every girl’s life when you find out your man fucked your best friend. The only way to adequately cope with this crisis is to repeatedly scream, “He fucked my best friend. My BEST FRIEND!!” As you begin this self-care ritual, you might feel that the English language alone can’t express your feelings of betrayal. Using the linguistic scholarship of Google Translate and literally no other sources (not even our Turkish friend, Eva), we threw these together as fast as possible because you are really hurting right now! Now, let’s take a trip around the world to see how women in other countries vent their fury:
1. French: “Il a baisé ma meilleure amie.”
Nobody knows heartbreak like a French-speaking person who just heard you whip out this fine phrase. They’ll be like, “Sacre bleu, parles vous francais?” and all you have to do is nod sadly like a tragic little French ballerina too hurt to elaborate after being betrayed by her best friend who unapologetically spread her legs in a slutty arabesque for her boyfriend.
2. Turkish: “O benim en iyi arkadaşım becerdin.”
Omg, this is so crazy!! It looks like the Turks also have a phrase for when their boyfriend horribly betrays them, along with the one person they would have gone to for comfort. It’s such an adorably small world! Such a small world, in fact, that of all the millions of dicks in your city, your best friend Shannon just HAPPENED to choose your boyfriend’s to grind up on while you were deep in training for a half marathon! What a beautiful tesadüf! (Turkish for “coincidence”, babe!)
3. Latin: “Futui meus optimus amicus.”
You just cried out your fifth pair of contacts, so why not accessorize your old pair of glasses with this intellectual Latin phrase? In fact, why not make a guest appearance at karaoke night, stare menacingly at your former best friend Shannon through your foggy frames and bellow: “Et tu, Brutus?” Everybody will be like, “Wow, what a scholar! And also, Shannon’s a slut.” THAT’S how you “Veni, vidi, vici.”
4. Indonesian: “Dia kacau sahabatku.”
Where some people saw pain, indignity, and Shannon’s cruel, calculating manipulation of your honey-bunny, YOU saw opportunity. Yes, the opportunity to enter the era of globalization by learning to say this vital phrase in Indonesian. The words differ, but the feeling transcends continents—Shannon is a boyfriend-nabbing bandit.
5. Icelandic: “Hann helvíti besta vin minn.”
Mutter in Icelandic about the cold, frigid way you were two-timed by the two most important people in your life, but especially by Shannon, as you shove multiple pints of ice cream into your grocery basket. It doesn’t matter who, if anyone, is listening. You’re not a basket case—you’re a goddamn linguist!
6. Hindi: “Vah meeree sabaseeacchee doost garabar kar diya.”
Yup, you just told it like it is—in motherfucking Hindi. At this point, you’re literally the Rosetta stone of Shannon preying on your man’s rock-hard dumbass dick.
7. Chinese: “Tā xìngjiāo wǒ zuì hǎo de péngyǒu.”
Literally, you could be a translator at the United Nations of broken hearts right now. Keep going! You must not be silent until the entire world has learned the truth about your unique pain!!
8. Armenian: “Na prtsnel im lavaguyn ynker.”
Break the news on Facebook by eloquently shouting your truth in Armenian! Indignantly, the people will comment, “How could YOU get cheated on? You’re like, bilingual!!”
9. Vietnamese: “Ông fucked người bạn tốt nhất của tôi.”
Just wondering, how many Vietnamese words does your best-friend-fucking ex know? Thought so.
10. Mongolian: “Ter bol minii khamgiin sain naiz fucked.”
If your man only KNEW that you were cultured and sophisticated enough to shriek about his lying, cheating ass in Mongolian, he’d stop calling you a “shrill crazy bee-yotch” and start calling you “khol avsan ni” (that’s Mongolian for “the one who got away”).
At this point you could go practically anywhere in the world and be able to communicate the extent of your betrayal. So, buy a plane ticket, pack your duffel, and leave your pain behind as you travel the world spreading the gospel of your painful truth!
