How to Relax Even Though It’s Not Possible

Ah, relaxation! We see it all the time in movies: someone in a bubble bath with their foot dangling out the tub, sipping a glass of champagne. Wouldn’t we all like to relax? Well you can’t, but it couldn’t hurt to try. Are the kids hounding you? Trouble in paradise? Your friends disrespecting your boundaries? Let your troubles be dust on your shoulder. Here is a five-step guide toward relaxation even though it’s not really possible.


Let it go.

Like, let it all go, like the blonde girl from Frozen. Let go of your jaw, your shoulders, and the fact that you might not ever experience relaxation. Like think about it – who do you know that’s relaxed? In this economy?


Take a Chill Pill

Woah, doggy. Slow it down in that little brain of yours. Take some Magnesium; it’ll make you more chill and also poop. Sometimes you might feel close to total relaxation after  a shit. But that’s short lived, because then you start to stress about how much water you’re wasting on the way down. Oh well. Relaxation is a fantasy created by the bourgeoisie.


Take a Shower

You should clean all that stress away in a long steamy shower. Try not to act out the imaginary argument with whomever you have beef with. This shower is about you, not about the way you would totally own them. This shower is about chilling out, maxing out, and relaxing all cool, even though that Zen state is ultimately unachievable.



Smoke a Joint

Maybe try smoking a joint? Take a little hit, and just melt into your couch like the deflated girl from the above the influence ads. This will work for one half of the population and the other half will feel anxious and paranoid.


Eat Some Fruit

Fruit is so yummy and the Earth’s gift to us all. We all have to eat fruit to survive, so take a big bite out of a peach. Yum! The peach juice might run down your arm and get all sticky, causing you to attract hordes of those annoying-ass fruit flies, but try to put that aside. Even though relaxation is not possible, at least you can say you ate one fruit.


Relaxation is skill that is super unmastered by a majority of humans. Maybe try to change perspective. Instead of reaching relaxation, try to reach a really high score on candy crush? That’s way more realistic than trying to relax, let’s be honest with ourselves, people.