So you made a fortune selling dietary supplements, but sort of didn’t claim it as income for the past seven years? And you took a bunch of tax credits that were meant for disabled veterans? Then you wrote off a personal vacation as a business trip? Weird! We can’t believe taxes are still even a thing since they’re totally old, but fortunately the IRS is super forgiving of honest mistakes made by clumsily adorable girls. Here’s how to play it up and get you out of that potential 8-10 year sentence your lawyer keeps talking about:
Keep repeating, “I had no idea!”
You might be smart enough to set up an elaborate ring of rat holes to hide your money, but you’re still pretty enough that when you say, “I had no idea!” the IRS may believe you. If you respond to every question with “I had no idea!”, they may realize that you are not in fact a criminal, but you are, in fact, adorable. Cover your mouth in surprise, but do not poke at your dimples coyly.
Dress like a princess for your court date.
Just like Halloween in 1994, it’s time to remind tax court that you are adorable. Adorable people make mistakes too, and shouldn’t we all really just forgive?
Remind them that seven years ago, you were only 19!
You were SO YOUNG seven years ago, which is the only span of time during which they have evidence of a primitive money-laundering scheme and your five Swiss bank accounts. Remember, you were just an adorable kid! And you SAID you’re sorry!
Blame it on your accountant.
He knows way more about money than you! Oh, you don’t have an accountant? Maybe you should get one now. Wait, how did you manage to pull all of this off without an accountant?
Tell them how much you help people, and that basically makes you a non-profit.
Deep down, you know you’re a really good person. You’ve been helping people by opening doors for them and also selling them herbal supplements that are changing their lives. You’re basically a non-profit! Everybody you know knows you mean well – and that you’re adorable!
Get a respected old man to make a speech in your honor.
If your massive tax fraud isn’t going over well in court, the only thing left is to gather a local wise man and supporting townspeople to interrupt your sentencing. Have them speak out about how adorable you are, and how taxes are a bunch of hooey. Maybe someone wants to write a song about you? Everyone will clap and understand that this was totally a girlish mistake.
After you pull the wool over those rubes in Washington, take all your assets to your tax haven in the Cayman Islands. Your anonymous island lifestyle will be nothing short of adorable!
