Some smokers get themselves to quit their unhealthy habit by forcing themselves to smoke an entire carton of cigarettes in one lung-frying sitting. So why not apply the same logic to your diet? If you’re trying to stop eating fatty foods, overwhelm your body with a disgusting binge on the fattiest foods known to man. After eating any of these gut-busters, you’ll be running to the nearest bunch of celery before you know it:
Eskimo Ice Cream
Kick your froyo habit and go whole hog with a dish of the Alaskan delicacy Akutaq, which swaps yogurt for moose or walrus tallow, has mix-ins like raspberries and salmon, and has almost 900 calories in a one cup serving! Bye, Ben! Bye bye, Jerry!
Deep Dish Penne Pizza
Pizza and pasta are quick, easy dinners loaded with carbs and fats. Putting them together is sure to flood your system with an onslaught of insulin and grease. Take the extra time to make a deep-dish pizza stuffed with penne Alfredo and topped with Mozzarella and Bolognese sauce. The only thing you’ll regret after the heartburn and bloating is that you didn’t try this one sooner. Have fun at the farmer’s market!
This Whole Pound of Bacon, Which We Have to Eat Today or Throw Out
Banish bacon by letting a pound linger in your fridge until almost expired, fry it, and then eat it as fast as you can. Waste not, want not, eat not anything that isn’t a vegetable ever again!
Sandwich Cookie Sandwich
There are a lot of healthy options for sandwiches. Forget the roasted veggies and hummus and instead double down on bread and mayo, with some crushed-up Oreos in there to taint the flavors of all these lunchtime favorites. Follow up with a lifetime of just radishes.
Savory Funnel Cake
Have a flair for fun fair foods? Purchase some packets of taco seasoning and ranch dressing mix, then go to a carnival, order a traditional funnel cake, add both seasoning packets, and eat the whole thing by yourself. Take a ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl for extra points! You’ll be crawling to the nearest Weight Watchers meeting before you know it.
Eggs Yolks with Honey Glazed Ham Drippings
This works double duty, as it’s a hangover cure sure to leave you confidently saying, “No thank you” to meat, dairy, sweets, and alcohol for years to come.
Just eat a shit ton of butter.
If you follow these tips, you’ll be grossed out by fun food for the rest of your life. Or at least until tomorrow. Happy dieting!