Faking an orgasm is one of life’s greatest pretend pleasures. Not only does it foster a stubborn commitment to your tepid relationship, it also gives you extra time to think about work, your ex, or your weird butt. Here are a few tips on maximizing the intensity of your make-believe ecstasy during sex:
Say lots of vowels. Everyone knows that genuine orgasms result in the formation of vowels sounds. Mimic this bona-fide pleasure by reciting all the vowels in order, while changing the pitch of your voice enough to indicate wild waves of ecstasy. Make sure not to say “I I I I” too much, otherwise it’ll sound a little bit like the beginning of Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train,” which he plays on repeat during all car rides. This man you are sharing your vagina with is terrible, but like, keep dating him.
“We need to talk… dirty!” Nothing like a little dirty talk to get those juices flowing just enough to not break up. Whisper in his ear everything you want him to do to you, like “Keep doing sex” and “Please come soon” and “Woo, I’m coming.” Tell your partner how much it drives you wild when he asks you flatly, “Is this working?” You’ll be moaning, but make sure it’s more like a pleased porn star than a put-upon sitcom wife.
Make sure he comes first. That way, when he tries to fit his shrinking rope into your bored vagina, it flops right against your clitoris, stimulating your desire to maybe masturbate after he leaves. That’ll definitely help you muster a few more “mhmms.” An added bonus: The “taking a giant shit” sounds he emits as he climaxes always puts a little smile on your face, just like people have after they orgasm. You nailed it!
There you have it, ladies. Here’s how to ramp up that fauxgasm with little to no effort at all. And you thought your BFA in Musical Theatre would never come in handy!