We’ve all been there: You’re getting to know a new special someone, but your gut is telling you something. Is it the first flutters of true love, or the twinges of an irritated bowel about to give way to something unholy? Take our quiz to see if the next step should be heading to Jared – or the Chipotle bathroom.
- You receive a dozen roses from your man, “just because.” How do you feel?
a. Happy that he would make such a sweet gesture.
b. Giddy and excited for your next date—you know how you’ll repay him!
c. Sweaty, but cold at the same time, and why is your heart beating so fast?
- The two of you shared a romantic dinner, and now he’s asked you back to his place. Do you:
a. Feel like things are going fast, but you kind of like it.
b. Thank your lucky stars that you wore your sexiest bra and panties.
c. Panic as you visualize scenarios in which you clog and flood his bathroom. Why did you eat all that vindaloo?
- Pick a color that best symbolizes your feelings:
a. Yellow—happy and carefree.
b. Red—hot, sexy, and intense.
c. Chalky white—the color of the inside of your mouth from all of the Pepto and Tums. At least your breath is minty?
- When “your song” comes on your Pandora, you:
a. Smile inwardly. He doesn’t know you two have a song.
b. Light up inside, thinking about how much you care for him.
c. Turn up the volume—thank God it’s covering the bovine sounds coming from your guts.
- Your mom asks how things are going with him. You tell her:
a. That you’re happy and that’s all that matters—you don’t want to get her hopes up.
b. That you’ve never been happier!
c. You can’t talk about this right now—your guts feel like a Magic Bullet full of hot feces
- Behind your back, what do you think your friends would say about your relationship?
a. That he just might be the one for you.
b. That you guys are disgusting—get a room!
c. That you’re disgusting—have you smelled that poop cloud you walk around in? You smell like a petting zoo.
- You’re watching a movie together, and he rips a fart. What do you do?
a. Laugh it off. You’re so comfortable together!
b. Laugh it off—actually, it was you!
c. Oh my god, do you think he has it, too? It’s not just a 24-hour thing? Is it Ebola?
- If you had to break up tomorrow, what would you regret most?
a. That you rushed into things.
b. That you didn’t have more time together—isn’t love more important than your career?
c. The hours spent in excruciating, bowel-clenching agony. It’s just water that’s coming out, and it’s still cold!
- Have you talked about commitment?
b. Yes, but when he brought it up, you felt all of the blood rush from your head.
c. The only commitment you can think of right now is the solemn promise that you will never, ever eat at that gas station deli again. You know better!
- And finally, be honest: How does he really make you feel inside?
b. A little bit like period cramps, but more intense—what is going on?
c. Like an enormous, hot bubble of putrid gas is trapped inside of you. As though your raw and inflamed sphincter has lost all tension, leaving it unable to hold back gallons of watery doo doo.
It’s likely that it is love, but you should probably eat some bland foods and wait at least 24 hours before making any major decisions about your relationship.
It seems like you have a strong connection, but it’s most likely that your system is out of whack. Eat some probiotic yogurt and down plenty of fluids.
You have diarrhea, girl! What are you doing taking this quiz right now? Get yourself to an after-hours clinic, as you are dangerously dehydrated and in need of medical attention. Good luck!