OOPSIES! You just made the ultimate mistake—you farted in front of a BOY. He’s about to know the truth about you and all of womankind: We’ve been farting! He will tell everyone and soon our secret shame will be out to the whole world. DON’T BLOW IT FOR US NOW JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE WHITE BEAN HUMMUS. Here’s how to correct your body’s betrayal through lying hard because you don’t even know what farting is:
Get so confused!!!
Don’t know what the word means. Say things like “Huh?” and “I’m sorry – say that again? Phart?” Be sure to spell it with a PH aloud to him or write it down on your Jamba Juice receipt. You can also say, “Like Pharrell Williams?” so there is no confusion. “Verb? Noun? Help me!” Pull out a dictionary and STILL DON’T ADMIT TO GETTING IT. Ask him to use it in a sentence. If his definition includes the word “butthole” it is very important that you look super confused because you don’t know what poop is, either. When he describes it further, say, “OOHHH YOU MEAN THE OTHER SEX HOLE.” He will have a boner!
Scream!!!
If he accuses you of farting, SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. Make such a big scene that he forgets all about the fart and worries more about being arrested on the street for disturbing the peace.
Stop, drop, and roll!!!
If it works for fires, it can work here. Smother the gas by rolling on it with your body. He can’t smell it! Problem solved!
Become so offended you faint!!!
Become insulted by your own stink. Contort your face, plug your nose dramatically and spray Pink Sugar by Paris Hilton around the area. Become so pure that the very smell of something foul offends you to your core and you literally faint.
Start sucking his dick right there!
Distraction!
DIE!!!
There’s one rule to farting—dead people can’t do it! You can’t fart if you’re dead! You are dead and he’s sad now.
Phew! There, you did it! Or you didn’t do it, I mean…. ;)
