The workplace may be more competitive and safer than ever, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get the job-related injury of your dreams! Now’s your chance to step off the corporate ladder and onto a comfortable, doctor-prescribed, lumbar support recliner, because you’ll finally be getting the disability payments that you’ve wanted since you were in college. Here’s our guide to some of the most coveted conditions that will get you out of the workforce, just like you always imagined:
Intense Neck Strain
This workplace injury is not for the faint of heart. If you want intense neck strain, you’re going to have to put in the time for at one job before you feel any real results. Take a page out of Sheryl Sandberg’s book and “lean in” to your computer screen as you work, thereby putting irrevocable strain on the delicate muscles in your neck and upper back. It takes dedication, but you could start seeing an unsightly hump in as little as five years. With a visible deformity, your doctor will recommend you “discontinue work activity” for years to come!
This workplace accident requires that you get up onto something in order to fall off of it. Does your job not require you to physically climb a ladder? Find something to do up high and get on a chair. Can’t find anything on a shelf? Maybe you need to reset the time on the clock. This is one of the easiest workplace injuries to sustain but also the riskiest in terms of actual sudden bodily injury. If you want it bad enough, you’ll get what you want out of life! Good luck!
Chronic Shoulder Pain
The key word here is “chronic”, so stick with it! Simple workstation hacks such as adjusting your chair to the wrong height, putting your mouse in a really inconvenient place, and never, ever exercising will pay dividends (of pain!) over time. When you start having to email HR to request time off to see your sports medicine doc, you’ll know you’re finally getting ahead in your career-related injury.
Can you imagine staring at a computer screen for 12 hours straight? Neither can most people, which is why they never achieve eye strain, a condition reserved for only the most ambitious injury-seekers. Ensure your screen is at maximum glare and take as few breaks as possible. Remember, every moment spent away from your screen is time you could be suffering from blurred vision and headaches! This injury takes awhile, but it is also one of the most believable, as it often happens from “working too hard.” You don’t want that!
Suffering aggravated assault is one of the trickiest workplace injuries to sustain but also the most ripe for financial compensation. Try to get your boss or coworker really, really angry while they are in the presence of one or more objects that could be used as a weapon. This is tough injury to pull off, but the potential benefits are well worth the risk involved.
The myth is true—the best job-related injuries never get advertised. If you want to die before your time, sitting down at a desk for the next ten years will get you on the right track to heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and other diseases of civilization. Move up the career-injury ladder without moving anywhere! The catch: You have to still be employed there when you die! Hello, life insurance policy!!
It’s worth taking some time to choose the job-related injury that’s right for you because if you really commit, you reap a lifetime of benefits. And remember: Pain is just gainful employment leaving the body!