Hey there, pretty girl! Who has what it takes to get her dream job? You do! Yes, you do! Do you have determination, confidence, and the prettiest dress in the whole world? You do! Now all you need is the right high-register, nasal, cutesy baby voice to get your dream job in a high-powered, competitive workplace!
Occupation: Lawyer
Voice: Sexy Baby
A lawyer must be professional and able to defend their clients without judgment. Equally important is that a lawyer be adorably hot with a little sexy baby voice to match. You think Ruth Bader Ginsburg got to her position by just being brilliant? Aw, you’re so cute. Can you lift this gavel for me? I’m too tiny!
Occupation: Doctor
Voice: Happy Sexy Baby
As a doctor, a person’s life is in your hands at any moment. And remember how sexy Katherine Heigl was on Grey’s Anatomy? Wouldn’t it be even sexier if she had been a tiny little baby? Doctors have to tell people a lot of sad things, so make sure your sexy baby voice is also happy. Soften hard blows with something like, “Oopsy woopsy! Your CT scan was abnormal so we need to do a biopsy, hee hee! Look, a balloon!”
Occupation: Journalist
Voice: Curious Sexy Baby
Do you love to see what’s behind a tablecloth? Do you just have to get into Daddy’s newspapers? Is peek-a-boo still a delight of “what will happen next?” Then you’re a curious sexy baby headed to The New York Times! With your tiny giggles and tendency to put pens in your mouth, you’ll have your editors saying, “This is sexy, but is it legal?”
Occupation: Executive
Voice: Sexy Baby That Needs a Nap but is Still Sexy
If there’s one lesson Sheryl Sandberg wanted us to take away from Lean In, it’s that being an executive is real hard! After you’ve climbed your way to the top of the corporate ladder, you’re going to need a nap. But don’t forget, sleepy babies are still sexy. “Terrence, I’ll need you to circle back after we meet with the McCann people, but first can you cradle me while I suck on whatever is nearby? Make sure to support my itty bitty head because I have no neck muscles.”
See, sweetie bear? You, too, can undermine your advanced degree with the baby voice of success! Just whatever you do, don’t poop your pants. That is not sexy baby OR professional.
