So you moved to a brand new city—how exciting! Except that you have zero friends, no social ability, you loser. You’re probably going to have to make a sad attempt with your pathetic efforts now. LOL.
Wipe away those tears, you lame ass. It’s perfectly normal to have trouble making friends when you’re drop-dead alone and extremely boring in a great big city (Probably?). People are maybe just too busy with work and family and five-dollar well drinks to welcome a random loner like you into their life. But don’t lose hope! Here are some tips for how even you, yes you, could make new friends—or at least one friend. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
1. Act like the bold, self-actualized person you aren’t.
Nobody makes friends by being passive, especially not you. Picture yourself as a fearless social butterfly who doesn’t ramble about her allergies, and just start approaching people. You might be surprised by the random kindred spirits you find. For instance, I made one of my best friends in the bathroom line at a karaoke bar! Two Jägerbombs later, we were fucking a pair of twins like we’d gone to grade school together. You should try something sort of like that, but it probably won’t work.
2. Date casually, like you’re not a total drip.
Dating apps are a great, chill way to trick people your age into talking to you one-on-one. Don’t be nervous! A cute dinner date can be totally fun as long as you don’t get salad stuck in your teeth (You’re not going to get salad stuck in your teeth again, are you?).Worst-case scenario: Your date “friend-zones” you. Look, a friend!
3. Join a club sports team and masquerade as a people-person.
Being on a team is the opposite of being alone, which is what you are right now! Plus, when you’re hanging out on a large, open field, people are less likely to sense the gaping hole in your heart and social life. Just don’t mess things up later by baring your soul when you guys get celebratory beers after the game. No one likes a soul-bearer, you freak.
4. Go to a cultural event where you can meet other weirdos like you!
It’s important to pretend to be engaged with the world around you, despite your near-paralyzing emptiness and dorky existential despair. Go to a gallery opening filled with interesting people who already know each other and who will immediately see right through your pathetic façade. If you feel awkward, just pretend to have an intense conversation on your Bluetooth. People might think you’re a small business owner instead of a small fish in a big, cutthroat pond,
5. Crash a bachelorette party like you’re not a rando!
They’ll be too drunk to realize you don’t belong! Seriously, this chick Lucy started photobombing our friend Nicole’s bachelorette party and we all just assumed she was like the groom’s cousin by the end of the night Nikki was vomiting in her shoe. LOL! Typical Nikki. Long story short, Lucy is now one of our best friends even though she was a total weirdo stranger at first. Seriously, if you get rejected by a bachelorette party literally just give up.
Eventually, with hard work and desperate persistence, you’ll have people in your life besides your landlord asking why you cry so much.
