So you’re at a large, light, airy brewery probably in Chicago or Portland, ME, and you’re trying to stand out as a little hipper or more intriguing than your average face in the crowd. It’s a hard ask, but not altogether impossible. Here’s how to look cool at the brewery even though you’re not a dog or someone’s baby.
Lower your expectations.
First things first, you just need to lower your expectations. You’re an adult human, and by virtue of that, within the walls of this brewery you’re a dime a goddamn dozen. We’re not trying to be mean, okay? We’re just telling you the truth because someone needs to. When a baby or a dog is in a brewery it’s like, “What are they doing there?” It’s different, it’s special, the vibes are great, and you’re not bringing any of that to the table, so just know that.
Bring a cello.
So there’s nothing inherently cool about your presence in this brewery, but what if you had a cello? A cello is better than a violin because it’s big like a guitar but for smart people. Bring a big cello (in a case, you’re not putting on a show here), and suddenly there’s gonna be a bit of a je ne sais quoi about you. Ultimately it’s the cello that’s cool in the brewery more so than you, so this puts you at roughly the same level of coolness as the owner of the dog or guardian of the baby, but still, that’s better than you’re doing right now.
Make sure your nipples are hard/visible.
Pretend to be Scottish.
Part of what’s so cool about a dog or a baby in a brewery is that everyone can’t help but look over at them, meanwhile the dog/baby is just like, “whatever”. You can make people look at you too by speaking loudly in a Scottish accent. They’ll hear your voice and think, “That must be a Scottish person, I guess.” You are tricking them into paying attention to you, while the dog/baby neither wants, cares, nor knows of the recognition they receive. This is actually very uncool of you, but hey, this is what you wanted apparently.
Have an open wound.
Same basic concept as the Scottish thing.
Be a celebrity.
Oh, my God, we should have said this first. Are you a celebrity?! If you are, you look totally cool in the brewery already, and you can just go hangout with the dog or the baby if you want. I mean, fuck, you could even ask them to leave, if you want to be the only cool one. Celebrities can do anything. Why are you reading this? Who are you? Can we guess? Jamie Foxx.
So there’s how to be cool in the brewery even though you’re not a medium-big dog or someone’s little baby. Cheers!