Like everyone else, we’ve been waiting — yearning! — for the end of the COVID-19 pandemic so that we can finally travel around the world again. Unlike everybody else, though, we plan to sightsee with the express purpose of trying to get the next pandemic started. After all, why should global viral outbreaks of this scale only happen once a century? We can do better than that, people! Here’s where you can go today to get this whole thing going again in the fall:
The Minnesota State Fair
The exact origin of COVID-19 remains unclear, but some theorize that it may have leapt from bats to people as the result of live animal trade at the Huanan Seafood Market in Wuhan, China. So naturally, the first place we’re headed as soon as it’s safe to do so is the Minnesota State Fair. It’s just as crowded, pungent, and unsanitary as any food market in the world — but everything is deep-fried! If we’re going to trigger an epidemiological crisis as a result of eating an exotic animal, it might as well be on a stick. And crunchy!
The Tropical Islands Resort in Krausnick, Germany
It’s not just a waterpark. It’s not just an indoor waterpark. It’s the world’s largest indoor waterpark! It’s basically a giant petri dish with COVID-21 written all over it. We’re going, we’re mouth-breathing, we’re peeing in the lazy river, we’re eating $8 bratwurst with our damp drippy hands — and surely that’s a recipe for dersuperspreade.
The Laboratory of Virology at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases
Okay, so it’s not exactly the getaway we’ve been dreaming of for the last year. But we figure it’s gotta be an Area 51 situation where they’ve got viruses in jars that the federal government found and never revealed to the general public. All we need is somebody’s keycard, clipboard, and lab coat, then boom — we’re in, and we can pretend to be some interns that are just sooooo klutzy, we accidentally knocked over and instantly spread a microscopic pestilence that brings the world to its knees. Whoopsy!
The Hype House
They can make ANYTHING go viral! And in fact, they have held large maskless parties in the middle of this pandemic.
This is the BEST place to get flirty and frisky in your convertible after a far-out date night. Whether you’ve brought a bodacious bae to the malt shop, the sock hop, or a drive-in flick, there’s no way they’ll be able to deny your most totally excellent advances when you’re makin’ eyes at each other in the moonlight. (Then once you start making out it’s pretty much inevitable that some disease will be created by all the particles and droplets you exchange.)
Dr. Anthony Fauci’s Home
If he knows how to stop a pandemic, he’s gotta know how to start one; it’s just a matter of getting him on board that it’s a good idea. We think we could frame it as a big publicity opportunity. Think of the magazine covers, Tony! The media appearances! The “just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in” memes! Sure, COVID-19 has been a gravy train, but it’s running local — and you want express, baby. Just one more pandemic, Doc, for old times’ sake!
We know that everyone is excited to travel as soon as we possibly can. But we want to stress: before you go anywhere, please get fully vaccinated, and until then, keep social distancing. Because the sooner we can bring this pandemic to an end, the sooner we can get the next one going. Here’s to new beginnings!