Understanding your finances can be tricky, but if money management doesn’t happen to be your forte, worry not! We’re here to help you understand the ins and outs of finance, like how to liquidate your assets by spending all of your money on scrumptious little beverages at any and all hours of the day! Here’s our step-by-step playbook for how to do this that many certified financial analysts are calling “unwise”:
Develop an understanding of liquid and non-liquid assets.
Strictly speaking, from a financial-planning perspective, a non-liquid asset is any capital that cannot be easily converted into cash within a short period of time. But we’re pretty sure a non-liquid asset that is any capital isn’t currently in the form of a delicious little beverage. Before you move onto the next step, you have to decide: Are you with us, or the financial planners? Make your decision before moving forward.
Verify the value of all your assets.
If you’ve chosen the side of the heroes, welcome! If you’ve decided to stick with the financial planners on this one, go balance your checkbook or some shit — you’re dead to us. The next step in liquidating your assets is verifying their value. This basically just means double-checking you have enough money in your bank account before buying an $8 matcha latte. Is it embarrassing to have to check? Yeah. Is it all part of the liquidation process? Unfortunately.
Convert your non-liquid assets to liquid assets.
This final step is about collecting all of your assets and quickly making them liquid by buying as many lavender lattes your little body can handle. Once you’ve done that, spend the rest of your day and money buying other little beverages of varying types and purposes. Perhaps an overpriced ginger shot and carrot juice to make you feel healthy, followed by a gross energy drink to fuel your relentless purchasing.
If you follow our advice, you should have about 18 little drinks and approximately $0 by day’s end! If, for some reason, you decide to take the more traditional and “wise” money management route, you’ll have notably fewer drinks on your desk, and should be well on your way to selling and distributing your assets. We’re not sure whether that’s good or bad, but it sure as hell sounds boring! Here, have a raspberry lemonade on us – we have a few bucks to spare, and not a cent more.
