Uh oh: Your platonic guy friend got drunk and texted you at two in the morning, saying that he wants to take you out sometime. What do you do? You don’t want to hurt his feelings, but you also don’t want to sacrifice the beautiful friendship you share where he wants to bang you all the time. Try these tactics to let him know you’re not interested in him as a lover, but you’re still interested in him reminding you of your beauty on a regular basis.
List his unfuckable good qualities.
Say a lot of words about how you could love him if the universe was completely different in every way. Remind him that you still like him as a human by coming up with a list of all the things you love about him. Like how he’s always there for you. Even when he’s obviously doing something way more important, he’ll drop literally anything to hear you cry about work for an hour. Those are the qualities you’re looking for in a male best friend/worshipper.
Be soft and gentle, but not alluring.
Use a sweet lady tone as you deal with this sensitive situation. Let him stroke your hair, or give him some fluffy pillows and a light throw blanket to touch instead of you. Anything to make him feel safe and like he wants to be near you forever despite you telling him you only want to be near him on select occasions. Just make sure to throw in a few cloying “Awwws!” so his boner shuts off.
A bunch of science has proven that attractiveness makes you more likeable, so look totally fuckable and he won’t take the bad news so hard. A nice dress that accentuates your good bumps will also keep him wanting to bang you, which is good for the future of your self-esteem.
Give him space to compliment you.
He always seems to enjoy verbally appreciating your body and personality, so let him have that moment—he needs that right now. Be a good friend to him. If he wants to tell you that he’s in love with you, allow him that pleasure because it’s always nice to be in love with someone. Then go back to telling him how his friendship helps you set higher standards for the guys you sleep with when you’re bored. He’ll understand!
Gift him with a kiss.
As this trying conversation comes to a close, remember to give him one last kiss somewhere on his face. This show of generosity is something he will appreciate for years to come. A peck on the cheek, or if you’re brave, on the mouth, can maintain his obsession with you for at least a solid decade. When that time comes, make sure to give him a shout out at your wedding about how he helped you find “the one.” He’ll love the special attention you give him for the very first time before screaming in his car the whole way home.
Just remember: These kinds of talks are always awkward, but necessary. It’s the only way to keep him hanging on by that thread you left out for him!