In our current cutthroat working world, it can be hard to find ways to stand out amongst our colleagues without the help of an illegal pet. Everybody wants to impress the boss. Everybody wants to seem like the most interesting person in the room at any given moment. At first glance, it seems like such tasks are impossible for an Average Jane like you – that is, unless you enter every room with a cobra coiled tightly around your waist.
Believe it or not, even people without any personality can make a meaningful impression in the workplace without purchasing a tropical bird, fish, or primate to serve as their distracting work accessory. If you want to make a splash using only the meager tools God gave you, consider these utterly animal-less ways to endear yourself to your work colleagues:
DO: Tell everyone that story about how you once brushed against a celebrity at a mall.
DON’T: Buy a falcon.
Nothing’s more daunting than a colleague with pals in high places – except maaaaybe a colleague who’s never without a hooded falcon on her forearm. Assert yourself over the crowd with a cool anecdote about that time you ran into someone who was probably Brooke Shields. They could scarcely be more impressed than if you were typing an administrative brief while a large bird’s talons were digging into your flesh.
DO: Wear a funky new pair of tights.
DON’T: Smuggle a wild animal into the country.
One of the coolest things about people with exotic pets is their command of the color spectrum – after all, nothing catches the eye so well as a zebra, a leopard or a fluorescent parrot. If you roll into the workplace in those fun new cream and beige striped jeggings from Boden, you’re bound to draw a similar amount of attention. A strong (but sensible!) pattern will let the up-tops know that you’re about as wild as a wild animal.
DO: Eat the last donut in the break-room.
DON’T: Participate in the big cat black market.
Eating the last donut will let everyone know that you’re a fearless loose cannon who’s unafraid to take what she wants. Just like a lion-tamer, a zoologist, or someone equally exciting, you don’t ask for permission in the workplace – you ask for forgiveness.
DO: Turn that motion in …two hours late.
DON’T: Convert your son’s room into a cage for a jackal.
People with exotic pets are cool because they’re unpredictable; even if the human involved lacks panache, there’s always the possibility that a person’s undomesticated companion could do something really cool. And just like a jackal, you too can thwart everyone’s expectations – by turning your files in AFTER THEY’RE DUE. During that two-hour window before the end of the day when your paperwork isn’t quite late enough to be noticed, you’ll have the bosses on the edge of their seats. Listen for the talk around the water cooler the next day. It’ll be all, What could crazy Joyce possibly do next?!
So this quarter, save yourself some elaborate veterinary bills and try to hold a room’s attention with nothing but your personality. You can probably do it.
