Are you planning your wedding, but don’t want anyone to know you’re also suffering from crippling mental illness? Luckily, the acceptable behaviors of a woman on her way to the altar can mask a wide range of DSM-classified ailments! With these guidelines, your friends and family will be none the wiser, and you’ll be well on your way to a happy and mostly healthy marriage!
Having grandiose delusions are the cornerstone of a blushing bride’s behavior. YOU are the most important person because you are getting MARRIED. But not just on your wedding day: once wedding planning starts, and especially after you’ve picked out your bridesmaids, all attention must be paid to you AT ALL TIMES. After all, this is THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE. Can’t everyone see that? Yes, they can. Because you’re a bride, and you totally deserve the undivided attention of every man, woman and child you encounter. Not the undivided attention of a psychiatrist.
Catastrophizing is something that every realistic bride does. A guest’s name misspelled on a place card is pretty much a death sentence for your future marriage. Every bride knows this. And don’t you dare let anyone minimize the importance of choosing the right burlap table runner. Because if the runner frays…do I even need to tell you how irrevocably fucked you are? Building out these scenarios in shrill, panicked tones is simply how a bride who doesn’t have a panic disorder troubleshoots!
Recklessly spending money is anything but reckless, and certainly not a symptom of borderline personality disorder when you’re a bride-to-be! After all, how can you really know how you feel about something without committing to it financially first? So put that deposit down on every venue that may or may not be your fantasy setting. You don’t want some other bitch booking it first! And once you’ve invested thousands of non-refundable dollars, the real planning—and spending—can begin!
Obsessively checking and re-checking and checking things again is the marker of a detail-oriented bride. There’s no chance of your DJ playing an unapproved song if you’ve gone over the playlist with him 72 times. So when you’re late to brunch because you had to turn your stove on and off until it “felt right,” just remind everyone that you’re practicing for your big day. They’ll quickly see that you’re a prepared bride. Not someone in need of psychoactive medication.
Using these simple tips, nobody will ever know you’re in serious need of mental help. And after the wedding’s over, be sure to get pregnant right away for an even better excuse for your insane behavior!
