As we adapt to life in the pandemic, we’ve all been confronted by the tasks we used to unthinkingly outsource. And one area where this confrontation has become increasingly clear is the haircut: Everyone is looking a little shaggy after these last couple months, but our poor boyfriends have been hit the hardest. Well, you don’t have to accept this fate! Grab the scissors and get self-sufficient with these four tips to give your boyfriend a haircut he doesn’t want while he is, in fact, asleep.
Make sure he’s really out.
You can test this out by walking into the room and saying, “Wow, they’re releasing a bonus episode of the Michael Jordan docu-series!” Or, if he’s not sport boyfriend, try shouting “Tame Impala on vinyl for some reason!” or “I wish I could hear a man’s opinion on the Electoral College.” If he doesn’t respond, he’s definitely out and you are free to start doing the thing to his body that he doesn’t want done. This is a violation! That one day he’ll be grateful for.
Trust your vision.
The most important thing once you begin giving your unconscious boyfriend an unsolicited haircut is that you don’t start to doubt your vision. If he wakes up to you looking at him all panicked and teary-eyed, it’s over for you. So go in with complete and unearned confidence. And once you’re in there? Do your thing! Give him bangs, try out your first fade, whatever feels right. It’s cute that you’re doing this!
Pretend he’s in a coma.
If you want to rid yourself of the paranoia and guilt of this covert trim, then go ahead and pretend your man is in a coma. You’ll go from insolent maniac to admirably faithful partner as you sit beside him, blowing flecks of cut hair off his forehead. The nurses stopped doing this long ago, as no one else believes he’s coming back, and also that’s not a nurse’s job. You’re like a hot caregiving angel right now, one with no respect for bodily autonomy.
Turn the whole thing around on him.
Of course, the coma fantasy will be quickly blown if/when your man wakes up. So when he does, be prepared to turn the whole thing around on him and say you’re teaching him a hands on lesson about consent. He’ll be like, “What? How?” and you’ll be like, “Never mind. You’re a man; you’d never understand anyway.” And then storm out.
Congratulations! You gave your slumbering boo a haircut that he didn’t want, and you have plenty of time to work through the ensuing fight because you’re stuck in your small apartment together. Rinse off those scissors, and keep slaying!