How to Get Your Student Loans Paid Off by Convincing the Government You’re a Bank

Got student loan debt? It may seem like you are totally out of options, but don’t fret! With these hacks, you will get your student loans paid off quick by simply tricking the government that you are a mid-sized bank with very important clients in need of a bailout. Here’s how: 


Make high-risk decisions.

You need to jeopardize your financial security by making the riskiest decisions possible. Is there an expensive pair of shoes you have been wanting? Buy them! Have you always wanted to invest in the bond market? Seems pretty bank-like to us! You need to make brash financial choices to expose a vulnerability, and then the government will finally see that you’re a giant institution in need of paying off those parent-plus loans for NYU!


Charge unnecessary fees to everyone you know.

Did your friend walk into your house with their shoes on? Hit them with a hidden fee. Your friendship should come with a cost, so Venmo your friends for every slight inconvenience. What will you do with all the money you collect for charging your friends fees? Invest in unworthy causes – banks love giving their money to support injustice! Don’t feel bad, because banks never feel bad about who they affect. Remember: you are looking out for yourself and those student loans.



Sponsor a local rec softball league.

Nothing gives “regional bank that is in desperate need of a bailout” energy than sponsoring a few local softball teams and throwing them a pizza party. This one involves a few up-front costs, but the payoff will be huge when your entire BFA is paid off because you are “too important to fail.” Score!


With these hacks, the government will have to bail you out because you are just a pathetic little bank. Don’t wait for student loan forgiveness from the government! Get revenge by convincing them you are a bank.