Getting your crush’s attention isn’t easy, especially when he doesn’t want to acknowledge you, or think about you, or consider you’re “real” in any sense. Here are some tips for how to get him to pay attention even though you’re a credible climate change report heralding unprecedented ecological disaster and he seems, like, kind of ambivalent about it all.
Emphasize that there are plenty of scientists who are super into you and would be down.
When getting his attention seems impossible, don’t be afraid to make him jealous. Remind him that you’ve got plenty of options: you’re peer-reviewed, babe. Like, extensively peer-reviewed. You’ve got scientists practically falling over themselves for you, telling their loved ones all about you, begging other people just to look at you. He should be pleading with you to sneak a peak at those pages, not the other way around.
Remind him that you’re life-changing!
Maybe he isn’t paying attention to you because he doesn’t realize the stakes here, in which case you should totally remind him that you’re not just some 90-page anthology of climate data; you’re life-altering. The editor of the Washington Post once described you as “the report that defined a generation!” The lead researcher at the Pursue Institute for Climate Science said you’d “surely shock people out of complacency!” (Sexually, that is.)
Light the flames of his heart-fire by telling him time is running out.
Nothing builds romantic tension like a ticking clock, so if he still won’t give you the time of day, tell him that he has a strict window for action here or you’ll move on without him. All the great love stories have time constraints: Romeo and Juliet, the Mission Impossible series, Madonna’s “4 Minutes” featuring Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. If he doesn’t wise up soon, the human race will perish, and there’s nothing sexier than that!
If all else fails, tell him that if he ignores you, the world as he knows it will end.
He probably just doesn’t realize that you’re not like other girls: If he doesn’t pay attention to you, you will literally fuck up his life! Hot. So much hotter than he can even fathom…
So if you’re struggling to get the man of your dreams to notice you just because you’re a climate change report, don’t lose hope! And remember babe, if he’s letting someone like you slip through the cracks, he’s the dumbest man alive.