How to Explain Your Stoned Appearance by Telling People You Got Cum in Your Eyes

Although recreational marijuana use has been destigmatized in recent years, it can still be embarrassing to be in social and/or public settings while visibly blazed. If you’re not totally comfortable with the judgment that may come from everyone knowing you’re high as a kite, then use these tips to suggest that your appearance is actually due to getting cum in your eyes.


Tell people you’re not high.

The first step is simply to establish that whatever the cause may be, your bloodshot and glassy eyes are not the result of THC consumption. There’s no wrong way to get this out there! Say it at the top of a conversation, or after a very long lull that occurred because you didn’t know how to respond (because you’re so high) when the person at this party told you how they’re not on speaking terms with their mom right now. Simply announce — to your friend, to your boss, to the grocery store cashier — that you are not high, then you can begin to explain about the sploot of jizz in your eyes.



Drop hints that you may have cum in your eyes.

If you just tell someone that you got cum in your eyes, they’re probably going to assume that you’re lying to cover up the fact that you’re stoned. That’s why it’s important to start slow by introducing scenarios that suggest you may have cum in your eyes. If you’re somewhere it’s not appropriate to be high, like the dentist or Thanksgiving dinner, then turn to whoever’s nearest and say, “I got a facial earlier, not like a spa facial, but when someone ejaculates on your face. Anyway, if I could do it all over again, I’d probably wear goggles.” Then you can add, as if it’s just occurring to you, “Oh, my God. That actually might be why my eyes are red.” They’ll start to put the pieces together before you even have to make a formal announcement.


Come right out with it.

Now that you’ve carefully laid the groundwork, it’s time to bring it home. Use whatever language you feel comfortable with, such as, “Man, I really caught a full sackload right in my peepers!” or the more straight forward, “My eyes sure are inflamed from all the sticky cum I got in them.” Those around you will be relieved once they no longer have to worry they’re in the presence of a reefer maniac, and any weed-related paranoia you may have been experiencing will melt right away.


So ditch the Visine and just start telling everyone your eyes are irritated by ball juice! You’re welcome!