It can be hard to have a good work-cry, but how do you do it without anybody not seeing you? Here’s how to make sure your personal life overtakes your professional life as conspicuously as possible:
Wail in the bathroom.
The ladies room is a great place to cry like an orca whose young have been snatched from the ocean and shipped off to SeaWorld. Don’t do it in a stall—how will the other girls at work know it’s you, silly? Cry loudly over a sink with the door cracked open until someone comes to check on you and will DEFINITELY not-not-see you sobbing. Your work is done for the day, lady!
Wear non-waterproof mascara.
Crying at work is a great opportunity to get noticed, but how will your boss know where the now-dried tears were if she can’t see the mascara stains all down your face? Non-waterproof mascara is a must. Be sure to reapply in between breakdowns to achieve maximum cheek coverage. Your boss will think, “Wow, she’s having a hard week.” Nailed it!
Refuse to be consoled.
As soon as you start crying, your coworkers will try to comfort you with cups of tea, Kleenex, and a walk in the fresh air. While their intentions are noble, don’t be distracted from your mission to be seen as a vulnerable and irrational creature by everyone at work. Avoid Kleenex—the moment you blow your nose, you will lose the dribbling-snot-on-keyboard look that nobody needs to not see.
Sob in the corner of the shared kitchen at lunch.
Lunch is the peak time in the kitchen, so set yourself up in a corner with a sad little Tupperware of sandwiches and an air of intense misery. When your coworkers ask you how you are, tell them you “just don’t even know anymore.” They’ll be super worried!
Break down mid-presentation.
Slide Six of a 15-slide presentation is the perfect time for you to break down into uncontrollable sobs in front of senior management. Their silence will be awkward, but if you can survive that, you can survive anything, girl! Don’t let them not see the real you!
It doesn’t matter what you’re crying about—in the workplace, the less you are able to explain your uncontrollable emotions, the better. And remember, crying at work is not a sign of weakness. Think how much strength it’s taken to hold it in for this long!
