There’s nothing worse than a boring, dry turkey on Thanksgiving. It’s the focal point of the meal, and if you find yourself responsible for its preparation, you want to impress everyone with the wettest, most fuckable turkey they’ve ever put in their mouths. Follow these steps to avoid any awkward dry turkey mishaps this year, and amaze your friends and family with the juiciest, wettest, sluttiest little cum dumpster of a turkey they’ve ever collectively said grace around.
Prep is everything.
You can’t just jump straight into cooking – the right prep is crucial to ensure your turkey is properly tenderized and ready to get its giblets grabbed. While it can be tempting to get right to the fun stuff and start carving your turkey (or, God forbid, yanking the wishbone), you can’t slack on these initial steps. Give your turkey a good 24 hours to loosen up and defrost before you even consider sticking it in the oven – otherwise, you’ll run the risk of your turkey coming out dry, and everyone leaving the experience unsatiated and totally turned off.
Use the right tools.
Don’t be afraid to soak your bird in brine – not all turkeys are created alike, and if yours seems to be on the drier side, there’s nothing wrong with casting aside your ego and using a supplemental marinade to ensure your bird is as dripping wet and lubricated as possible. Trust me – it will be a more enjoyable experience for everyone involved. And don’t just phone it in after you’ve put it in the oven, either – a meat thermometer is a great way to check in with your turkey while it’s cooking and see how it’s doing. Remember: not only is communication essential, it’s sexy! So say things like “Are you safe for consumption yet?” and “Have you been a very, very bad girl?”
Details, details, details!
Details are crucial to a successful Thanksgiving dinner – they are the difference between a dry, shriveled turkey, and a filthy little avian cum-slut, leaking with enough juices and drippings to make sufficient gravy to serve your entire extended family. So make sure to mind your spices, keep an eye on the temperature, and don’t forget about the stuffing. If you do so, the cornucopia won’t be the only thing filled and brimming with the season’s bountiful harvest this year.
Cooking the Thanksgiving turkey is an important and daunting task, but with sufficient prep and the right tools, your bird will be sure to be plump, moist, and ready to get stuffed! And that’s something we can all be thankful for.
