How To Break Up With Just His Penis

So you’ve found your dream man. He’s smart, successful, handsome, and you get along soooo well with his sisters. He’s really the total package except for one thing — his package. Meaning, his penis. For whatever reason, you and the “little guy” are just not clicking. What’s a girl to do? Breakups can be tough, especially when they’re with a person who opens doors for you, has a sick savings account, and who you really want to propose to you, but just has a dick that feels like a boring tampon. Employ these few simple tactics, and you’ll be penis-free with a ring on your finger in no time.


Phase it Out

Explore the bare minimum level of contact you can have with the penis and balls. How much is required to make it seem like you find his penis even remotely interesting? A ball tickle? A tip lick? Once you find the right amount, slowly whittle it down from there each time you have sex until you’re not even touching his penis at all, not even on accident. Your boyfriend might feel a bit emasculated and not know why, but the control you’ll gain will speed the proposal.

Start introducing other types of play into the bedroom. Focusing on your pleasure is a good place to start. Make it clear what you’re really interested in; anything but his penis.


Set Boundaries and Give it Some Space

Men aren’t great with hints, so make a clear declaration of your terms. Tell him, “You’re in, but your penis is out.” You’ll want to be friends with his penis eventually, but poor Willy is going to need some time to grieve and move on. Try staying out of its sight for a few months.


Blame The Penis

When your boyfriend tries to have a heart-to-heart with you about the issue, point the blame to the penis itself. Maybe it’s broken? Make sure to separate the penis from your boyfriend, though. You love your boyfriend. This isn’t his fault. It’s that gross, lame, ugly penis’s fault. Tell him he’s worthy of a better penis and that you’re very sorry for him. He’ll appreciate that.



Celebrate the Parts of Your Boyfriend that Aren’t his Penis

Let your boyfriend take you out to dinner, go for walks, and show off his bare chest on the beach. When he sees how much you enjoy the rest of his body, he’ll start to forget how much you hate his penis.


Get Really, Really, Good at Pegging

Your boyfriend probably never thought about how good an old-fashioned pegging could be, but soon enough, he won’t be able to come any other way (because you won’t let him). You’ll love bringing him pleasure, and eventually, it’ll just be like his penis isn’t even there!


You may not have realized when you started the breakup, but your relationship can actually become better once that subpar appendage is out of the picture!