How To Break The News To Hozier That You Can’t Take Him To Church Because of COVID


Sure, we’ve all woken up to Irish musician Hozier standing outside our bedroom window screaming “Take me to church” at one point or another. But we can’t take Hozier to church right now, because we are currently in the midst of a deadly pandemic that has claimed over 200,000 lives. Here are some tips to help you tell Hozier that you will not be taking Hozier to church because of COVID, even though Hozier seems ferociously hell-bent on getting to church.


Be vigilant.

We’ve all heard the warnings before: Hozier will appear beneath your bedroom window when the moon is as full and glossy as his hair. Hozier will sing “Take Me To Church” to you as if he does not know that scientists have identified religious gatherings as a key factor in the spread of COVID-19. Hozier will scratch the paint off the side of your house with his sharp, cat-like claws while he wails his prophetic song. Something terrible will happen if Hozier is taken to church; thankfully, because of the pandemic, this cannot come to pass.


Be firm.

Hozier is going to keep singing “Take Me To Church” outside your house over and over again. He loves church! Or… does some other force compel him to go to church? What drives Hozier on his quest for organized religion? You’re going to need to yell down and tell Hozier that there’s a global pandemic and that he’ll need to pray responsibly at home instead. Hozier will howl furiously at you, but you must not take him to church. Oh, you must never take him to church!


Suggest other alternatives.

Telling Hozier “you can still worship like a dog at the shrine of my lies over Zoom” will only make the church-crazed Hozier even more furious, but it’s something he needs to hear. The risk of transmitting COVID during an in-person church service is just too high! Hozier will gnash his teeth and emit a piercing scream, but you can try to calm him down by texting him links to online congregations where he can fulfill his spiritual needs in a safe and socially distanced manner.


Listen to Hozier’s paralyzing screams as he continues to claw at the side of your house.

Some men just really love church!



Figure out the gist of the whole nightmare.

Okay, well, we Googled Hozier’s church song and learned that it’s actually about fucking! Hozier is just horny and wants to fuck you. Now you need to tell Hozier that fucking is also unsafe unless you follow strict quarantine and testing protocols so you don’t contract or spread COVID-19 by fucking Hozier. When you tell this to Hozier, he will smile brightly and tip his cap at you before turning into a bat and moving onto the next house. Phew!


So there you have it! These are the five steps you will need to follow when Hozier comes to your house and scream-demands to be taken to church. He actually wants to have sex with you, and that’s pretty apparent if you actually take the time to read the lyrics to his church song. Boy, do we feel like chumps!