How to Blame Mercury in Retrograde for Those Murders

So those murders happened. Hey, it’s cool. Luckily, you picked the perfect time to not take any responsibility for your actions: Mercury Retrograde. Whether it’s drunk texting your old professors, donating your entire paycheck to a Kickstarter to make chili, or killing one to three fellow human beings. Mercury is in retrograde, which means everything is crazy and you’re totally off the hook. Here’s why:


Your technology was “on the fritz.”

Everyone knows Mercury in retrograde whacks out communication devices. You probably dropped your phone, cracked the screen and couldn’t read the comma between “Shoot” and “Peggy” when your friend forgot to invite her to dinner. What were supposed to do? You were just taking orders.


You didn’t know what time it was.

Mercury in Retrograde signals delays and sets your internal clock to “crazy.” Everyone’s going to be missing dentist appointments, sleeping through alarms and maybe even forgetting to unlock the door to your remote winter cabin when your husband returned with firewood. If you didn’t know what time, day or month it was, how was Doug supposed to not freeze to death?



You had a strong urge to re-connect with an ex-lover.

The universe whispers, “unearth previous toxic relationships” into the ears of every scorned woman while Mercury is in retrograde. If you had a gnawing compulsion to reach out to an ex and things got a little out of hand with that rope even though he was screaming your old safe word, no worries! It was actually the “gravitational pull” that killed him.


There is no scientific evidence that the planets have any effect on our behavior.

Oh, really?!! The fact that you killed some people is all the “concrete, tested and observed” evidence that Mercury in retrograde is very real. This is not your fault.


Now that you know Mercury in retrograde is the reason for all those murders, you can go back to planning for grad school and use these skeletons in your closet for the next Halloween bash! This is all so Pisces of you. And if you ever get nervous about prison, just watch “Orange is the New Black” and remember it’s all just a sassy slumber party! Good luck!