If You Can’t Handle Me at My Mercury Retrograde, You Don’t Deserve Me at My Jupiter Ascending

In case you’re behind on charting the stars with your astrolabe or aren’t caught up on things women say on Bravo, it’s that time of year again: The planets are shifting and we’re all losing our celestial shit.


Like a full moon to a werewolf, Mercury Retrograde turns me into an unstoppable monster. My Mercury Retrograde is me at my worst, which means the whole ride comes to a screeching halt. This cycle affects everybody, and experts warn that you shouldn’t sign any contracts, buy electronics, travel, or get married while it’s happening. Personally, I wouldn’t ever dream of signing a contract during Mercury Retrograde. I can barely keep from flipping tables, let alone sign something on one. That’s how crazy I get! Not flattering, but it’s true. And I own that.



I find that a lot of people can’t handle me at my Mercury Retrograde. At first, I used to let this upset me. Then I decided to take a close look at my friend circle, my family, and of course, my boyfriend. And do you know what I saw? A whole lot of people who didn’t accept me. People who told me I couldn’t blame my vitriolic, thrice-yearly rage meltdowns on the stars. When I had that difficult realization, I decided it was time for a cleanse.


If my friends and family couldn’t handle me at my Mercury Retrograde, then they sure as hell didn’t deserve me at my ever-wonderful Jupiter Ascending.


What’s Jupiter Ascending? Don’t worry; I’ll tell you.


In Jupiter Ascending, good fortune comes to me (and ONLY me) and I inherit the Earth, like I deserve! It welcomes growth, prosperity, generosity, and generally me being amazing. This is when I can do things like donate to a Kickstarter, or even give half of my sandwich to that one homeless guy. Because for those fleeting and few glorious days of Jupiter Ascending, I only give good vibes! If you can’t handle me when I don’t do those things, you certainly don’t deserve me when I do.


When I realized how immeasurably wonderful I am during this time, I got to thinking: I give so much of my Jupiter Ascending to people in my life, but I can only offer so much without getting something in return (besides requests to get my shit together). So, I cut all of my current loved ones out of my life completely to send them a message. And boy, has it been freeing.



On airplanes they always say that you should secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. Now, luckily, I have nobody to help. Which is perfect, because that means none of those mouth breathers can steal away my good oxygen. Now I am taking care of myself before I can take care of others, if there happened to be any others left.


I’ve spent Mercury Retrogrades in the past feeling like nobody understood what I was going through. I was feeling selfish, impatient and a little insecure. But now I know that I owe it to myself to cast away all that dead weight in my life that call themselves “friends and family.” These people never accepted all of me, especially the shitty, insufferable parts. But now I have the freedom to focus on myself, because that’s the only friend I have left. I feel so free!