I’ve Thought About It and I Would Like to Be Hot Now

Hey everyone, it’s me; an average-looking girl who’s not like all the other girls. Maybe you’ve seen me temping in your office, or asking the employees detailed questions at Whole Foods, or simply playing a ukulele on my stoop. I’ve lived my whole life as that girl who you don’t notice at first, but then, once you get to know her, you realize that she’s beautiful on the inside. Well, dear acquaintances: that’s all about to change. Because after a great deal of thought, I have decided that instead of soldiering on as a solid 6, I would like to become be a straight-up hot person now.



This may seem like an odd direction for me to take at this point in my life, but, as Oprah once said, “A person can change their future merely by changing their attitude.” I did that, but now I want to make a change in my physical appearance because honestly I’m kind of over it. What I mean to say is, I’m throwing away the offbeat clothes and makeup, and overhauling absolutely everything about my hair to align with society’s standards of beauty.


This has not been an easy choice for me, but after extensive research and 25 years of observation, I now know there can only be one route forward. A Pew Research Center study recently found that hot people are more likely to be scouted by employers than their average-looking peers, have a wider social circle and more influence among those friends, and are more likely to date a man with strong arms named Matt, Ben, or Chris. So sorry to bail on the whole “unique look” train, but sign me up for that!


I’m even looking into rehoming my two guinea pigs and all of their outfits. That’s how committed I am to becoming a dime.



I am tired of learning to accept and live with the consequences of my average face and body when I could just do something about them instead. Specifically: two months of hard juice fasting followed by a chin tuck, brow reshaping, professional contouring lessons, blonde ombré extensions, and, finally, the kind of Pilates where a tiny Swiss woman puts you in a torture device until you’re very hot.


Did I mention I threw out my uke? It was zebra-striped.


To clarify, I still ardently believe that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, but having considered all my options, I have decided that I want to be the shape and size that appeal to the widest range of straight, white, American men between the ages of 18 and 95. I wish you the best in your journey to make our societal standards more inclusive, but in the meantime I’ll be over here with the body of an 80s fitness instructor and the hair and face of Gisele Bündchen. Keep fighting that good fight!


For me, victory looks like a poster tacked to a teenage boy’s bedroom ceiling in a time-travel action-adventure movie from 1992.


I had hopes and dreams once. In 2008 I saw Zooey Deschanel at a press junket and felt assured in my knowledge that I could wear, eat, and do whatever I wanted because Zooey was quirky and wore cute patterns and she was successful and had a boyfriend! Since then, I’ve realized that Zooey Deschanel is just a hot woman with bangs.