How to Be a Sexy Blank Slate

Jane Rahman

Everyone knows that the best way to get a man is to be a crisp white sheet onto which he can project his fantasies. But after years of being alive, you’ve probably accumulated unseemly experiences, accomplishments, opinions, and dreams. Don’t beat yourself up – over 95% of American women have at least one personality trait. Every image in every magazine has had to be retouched to cover up traces of individuality. But how can you hide your lived experience to land that guy? Let us show you how:



Have a Mantra of Indifference (i.e.: “You Pick the Movie”)
It sounds cliché, but guys just don’t respect women who have opinions on the first date. You barely know each other, and you definitely don’t know what kind of girl he hopes you’ll be. So when you get to the movie theater, show him how void you are by repeating a mantra. Something simple like, “I don’t care” or “I like any of them.” This also works at the concession stand, at his family barbecue, or when naming your child. Even a silent shrug works wonders. He won’t be able to resist your vacant charm.


Show Those Big Doll Eyes
Take a roll with your man down the uncanny valley! You can show your crush that you’re a brand new baby woman by keeping your peepers peeled all the way open. It won’t be hard for him to impress you when you seem in rapturous wonder of everything: car commercials, empty beer cans, the menu at Panera Bread – anything is beautiful and new to you! He’ll be so refreshed by how blank you are. Makeup can also help you look like sweet, sexy inanimate object.  There are tons of anime makeup tutorials on YouTube for making yourself look like this.



Spy-Like Concealment of Personal Details
Make like an undercover agent and never mention anything about yourself, your day, or your life. Keep your life story to yourself – this isn’t all about you! You want your long-term partner to feel safe coming to you with his thoughts or concerns, and bringing up your own will only distract him from himself. When he asks you “How was your day?” bounce it back to him with a quick “Good, how was yours?” If you want to keep that man, you should take every shred of evidence that you have family, friends, a job, past traumas, present joys or future goals, toss them into a proverbial barrel of lye, and bury it in the middle of an actual desert.


Follow these tips and you’ll be back to your factory settings – just in time for date night.