My friends are always recommending diets to me, and I never used to listen. But after realizing how sluggish I felt all the time, I finally gave in and went on one of those “eat-clean” diets. Ever since, I’ve woken up earlier, done more each day, and unintentionally sent my co-worker Sharon to the ER! I even ran a 5K! Yeah, that’s right: couch potato me, running a 5K! I have more energy than ever before, and if I can do it, so can you!!!
That is, of course, unless you’re Sharon, because you’re in a medically induced coma. I’m so sorry for hitting you with my car, Sharon!!!
There’s so much out there about the dangers of sugar and the effects that eating poorly can have on your body over time. Finally, I listened. Now my diet consists mostly of vegetables, fruits, lean protein, and nuts—no added sugar allowed. It was hard at first, but I’ve actually come to prefer it. After being off sugar for two months, there’s just nothing like the taste of an in-season pineapple! It’s mind-blowing! I keep trying to bring some to Sharon in the hospital, but her family says she’s not ready to see me.
I feel terrible for Sharon, but I’ve also never felt better!
Before I started dieting, I was always tired. I never wanted to go to the gym and when I did, my workouts were short and low-intensity. But now, I go to the gym every day and have more energy than I ever thought possible! Which is probably why I flew into the parking lot on Tuesday and didn’t notice Sharon walking into the building. She hit my windshield and rolled off onto the pavement. Someone else screamed and called an ambulance.
I just feel bad that there are people out there who are still eating complex carbs! I feel amazing!!!!!
My diet has gotten amazing reviews from my friends and family who are not Sharon:
“ How could you do this, you monster?!?” –My coworker Sam. But the joke’s on her: I no longer need to drink two cans of Monster Energy to perk up after lunch! My energy comes from my diet! Food is medicine!
“You did what with your car?? Are you on drugs???” –My mother, amazed that eating clean and working out gives me great results without having to take any additional supplements. This isn’t like that time in high school when I took caffeine pills to lose weight for cheerleading tryouts—this is real, sustainable nutrition!!!
“She looks good!” –Kevin from marketing. Thank you, Kevin!!! But it’s not about aesthetics; it’s about health!!!
Sharon, if you’ve woken up from your coma, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that my new and improved lifestyle led to your potential demise (fingers crossed, though!). If you do wake up, you’ll see that I left you something on your bedside table. It’s a meal plan for getting started on your own clean-eating regimen. Because everyone deserves to feel this alive!!! I really hope you pull through!!!!
Good luck to those of you embarking on your own clean-eating diet—I just know you’ll love it. I haven’t slept in nine days!!!! (Sharon’s been unconscious for nine days, but hey, you can’t win ‘em all.)
