While there are a litany of methods proven to effectively manage seasonal depression, I’ve decided to take a more unconventional approach: moving into the lamp section at HomeGoods.
It’s just so bright in there – I can practically feel my seasonal depression burning away, as well as my ability to see in direct sunlight.
Since making this decision, I’ve faced a ton of pushback, with many people calling my methods “unorthodox” or even “illegal.”
The closing manager at the HomeGoods near me has been especially unhelpful. They didn’t seem to care at all about my mental health journey. They told me to “get out or they’re calling the police” and to “go stand under one of the parking lot lamps” which I found to be not only rude, but also dangerous advice.
Still, I’m determined to make my home the lamp section at HomeGoods for two reasons. One, because I’ve convinced myself it’s the only way I’ll experience true joy again, and, two, because I’ve already broken my lease and moved out of my apartment, so I kind of need this to work out.
Recently, I’ve found that if I linger in HomeGoods until closing time and then hide behind a floor lamp, the closing manager will be like “I can see you behind that floor lamp, it’s, like, so skinny, you’re not hidden at all.” Hiding in the bathroom worked, though.
That night I spent living in the lamp section at HomeGoods was far and away the happiest night of my life. The overwhelming glow of almost 50 lamps made it so I wasn’t able to sleep at all, and I descended into a sort of restless, HomeGoods-brand-cake-pop-fueled mania that completely overrode any sense of depression, or self, that I previously possessed.
Unfortunately, the night manager saw me rummaging through the snacks on the security camera and called the police, so currently, my new home is the holding cell at the police station. I regret to say this caused my seasonal depression to return in full force.
However, in spite of the adversity I’ve faced, I wouldn’t trade moving into the lamp section at HomeGoods for anything. Being surrounded by so many constantly glowing lamps almost entirely erased my seasonal depression (and my retinas) and made me feel like I was a part of something bigger (large-scale energy consumption that actively harms the environment).
I’d say I’d head back there once I’m out of this holding cell, but I’ve been unceremoniously banned from every HomeGoods, so once I’m out, I’ll be trying out the lamp section at Home Depot instead! Wish me luck!
