Everyone knows the housing market in New York is impossibly competitive, especially during the summer. Plus with inflation, high gas prices, and literally everything else going on in the world right now, who has the time to fight with other 20-somethings for a converted closet in East Williamsburg? However, this one housing hack found me my ideal studio in no time – I became a little cockroach and infested a gorgeous rent-controlled two-bedroom with utilities included.
After the 83rd real estate agent told me that a listing that went up an hour ago was already taken, I knew it was time to change up my approach. So I animorphed myself into becoming a little cockroach, and lo and behold, no more pesky agents to deal with!
Suddenly, I didn’t have to aggressively reach out to brokers on StreetEasy at 6 a.m.. Going to open houses during the most inconvenient of times? Not anymore! As a little cockroach, I could scamper around the apartments I favorited at my own leisure. The cherry on top? No more broker’s fee!
Not only was apartment hunting incredibly easy as a Kafkaesque creature, but because of how little square footage I took up, I didn’t have to limit my search based on size or budget anymore. I could expand my apartment hunting to all of New York’s best neighborhoods. From the Upper East Side to Tribeca, I browsed through all of the iconic neighborhoods that 90s sitcoms told me I could live in with a minimum-wage job until I burrowed into the apartment of my dreams.
Of course, living as a little cockroach isn’t without its drawbacks. Even though I found my perfect apartment in the East Village, I still live with a roommate, Hannah, since technically her name is on the lease and I’m now “legally classified” as an “indoor allergen hazard”. But that’s just the price you pay for living the dream in the greatest city in the world! Besides, we barely run into each other. That’s the best part of being a little cockroach – you’re big enough not to get accidentally squished, but small enough that Hannah can’t be bothered calling the exterminator. Plus, she hates when I’m near the kitchen, so she cleans all the dishes really fast!
Becoming a little cockroach is literally the ultimate New York City life hack. I was able to find my Carrie Bradshaw brownstone and all I had to do was compromise on being human! Now I’m living that dream NYC life that’s romanticized everywhere on TikTok. And every night, I get to crawl home to a beautiful view of the city (as long as Hannah doesn’t catch me at the window)!
