The holidays are here, and bring with them two of our favorite things – holiday-themed coffee drinks and holiday-induced rage. Here are some of our picks for coffee drinks that fuel that holiday anger through hours and hours of our least favorite holiday traditions.
1. Holiday Travel: Starbucks Gingerbread Latte
Traveling home for the holidays is a grueling and miserable slog, but with Starbucks’ gingerbread latte on board, you can finally harness your travel rage in meaningful ways. This sweet, caffeinated treat brings back memories of fresh-baked gingerbread AND gives you the energy to cuss out the mother of the two-year-old that’s been kicking the back of your seat for the last two hours, carefully scream-plaining that if he doesn’t stop, you will not rest until you have hunted down every single member of her family. What a rush!
2. Picking Out a Christmas Tree: Dunkin’ Donuts Peppermint Hot Chocolate
It’s the coldest day of the year, and you and your family have been trudging around the Miller Christmas Tree Farm for hours to find the perfect tree. But this year, rather than shivering through your children’s irrational choosiness, you have an extra-large peppermint hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts, and before you know it, you’re chopping down every tree in the place so no one else has to endure this torturous hell again. How did that axe get in your hands in the first place? It doesn’t matter. Your whole town got a discount on their damaged trees and you’re a hero.
3. Shopping: Starbucks Caramel Apple Cider
Jean-Paul Sartre taught us that hell is other people, and nothing confirms that quite like the Spring Fields Mall on Christmas Eve. Thankfully, they have nine separate Starbucks locations inside, so why not stop at each one and try their new caramel apple cider nine times over? The sugary caramel will give you the nerve to push aside fellow customers with a speed and force like you’ve never known and keep you on a high that temporarily removes your ability to feel empathy for your fellow man. Just like that, you’ve escaped the grasp of the mall cop and finished all your shopping in 45 minutes flat!
4. Family Meals: Au Bon Pain White Chocolate Hazelnut Mocha
The turkey’s dry again? Great. Your uncle Paul is drunk and keeps asking if you’re pregnant? Check. Normally, you’d sit there and stew in anger, but now that you’ve had Au Bon Pain’s white chocolate hazelnut mocha, you don’t have to sit quietly anymore. Tell your sister to get over that miscarriage, because it was two years ago, for God’s sake! Overturn the table, while you’re at it. Maybe your family will ban you from future holiday dinners and you’ll ever have to do this again!
5. Christmas Music: Coffee Bean Cinnamon Candy Cane Spice Chai
Radio stations start playing this shit earlier and earlier every year. Normally, hearing Alvin and the Chipmunks for the 50th time in a week is enough to drive a person to contemplate suicide, but thanks to the cinnamon candy cane spice chai from the Coffee Bean, you now have the power to do something about it. You know where the town’s radio transmitter is. Now go ram your car into it as hard as you can. The damage to your car is temporary; the feeling of unchecked power will sustain you for months, if not years, to come.
